The pores literally feel so clean. My skin feels so pure, like a bottle of Evian. It’s the small, simple joys in life that give me happiness. God bless Banilla cleansing balm, a 20 minute face massage with that thing feels like heaven.
Back in high school, this guy, let’s call him Shane, used to bully me about my face all the time. At one point, he said that if a pdf/school shooter comes, they should use me as a meat shield, because I’m the ugliest girl in the school and have the least value as a human. He went out of his way to get me excluded from things, and would frequently insult me.
Post high school, I decided to get plastic surgery to fix my face and went to the gym. Became decently attractive, and I’d like to think I’ve always been a good and funny person.
Three years ago, I saw Shane again while volunteering at a community event. I didn’t hold anything against him, because he was a stupid teenager, and I figured people could change, so when he came by our booth, I greeted him and asked him how he was enjoying the BBQ, and how he’s been since high school, and if he remembered me. His eyes got all wide and all he got very flustered, and went “oh! It’s you! Yeah, it’s been a while. How’ve you been?”
He was noticeably nicer and we started chatting, and I was happy that he seemed to have changed for the better. Near the end of our chat, he dropped his number and said he’d love to take me out for dinner sometime this weekend.
Come the day of the dinner, Shane shows up with flowers and is a perfect, if very twitchy and nervous, gentleman. He opens the door to his car for me, hands me refreshments and snacks, showers me with compliments, and regales me with tales about his feats as the rising star at his dad’s firm, and all the wonderful things he has in life.
Dinner was lovely too, and he was so sweet and considerate the entire evening. Very quickly, we became a couple. He treated my parents with a lot of respect and would never show up to our home empty-handed, and it was a very happy year. He was attentive, protective, spoiled me rotten, and seemed so kind and loving. When I got harassed at work, he personally threatened to sue the shit out of my boss and assured me that he hates men who take advantage of vulnerable women. He always told me what a beautiful soul I had, and how he loved my kindness, wisdom and patience.
One day, when we were just cuddling, he scrolled to a TikTok of an ugly woman who was telling the story of her SA. Shane started laughing and I was confused, so I asked him what was so funny. He said “she should apologize to her victim” so naturally that I was stunned for a second, my brain unable to process what the fuck he meant. The Prince Charming image I’d built up of him was shattered in an instant. I brought up the comments he’d made about me and the other unattractive girls back in high school, and asked him why he didn’t ask me out back then, if he valued my personality so much, because nothing has changed other than my looks. Did he think a woman’s entire value as a human being rested solely on how beautiful she is on the exterior?
He realized that I was pissed, and tried to backtrack and tell me he was a dick of a kid who didn’t have present parents to teach him right from wrong, that his comment about the TikTok was a stupid joke, that he could be abrasive sometimes, and a whole bunch of other excuses.
But at the end of the day, he never changed or bettered himself as a person. The only difference between the me of today and the me from high school, and that poor girl, is that I got some plastic stuffed into my face. That’s what made me valuable and worth protecting as a person. Not the low-income kids I’d spent my weekends tutoring for free, not the meals I’ve made for the hungry, the way I always squash my anger or impatience so the other person feels better, or the books I’ve read to better myself. Nope, the most valuable and beautiful thing about me is the fucking plastic in my face.
Shane taught me a lesson that I won’t forget about how many people view their fellow human beings. I’m genuinely sorry that these people live such terrible lives; it must be terrible to miss out on so many peoples’ inner beauty, just because their eyes are too lazy to look. To experience so much animosity and hatred in their lives, because they feel some misguided need to terrorize and police others’ appearances almost like it’s an unpaid full-time job.
Ladies, your face is not the problem. Your body is not the problem. You are not the problem. I understand what it’s like to crave love so badly, that even the rotten love of shallow bullies would feel better than the scorn and neglect that ugly women experience as the sole constant companion in our lives. Through this denial, we are made to feel apologetic for our existence, like we’re a weed in an otherwise pristinely cultivated garden. But really, after experiencing life both as a weed and a flower, I can safely say that the true fault is the garden’s management; it refuses to nurture anything outside a strict catalogue of artificially-created species, many of which don’t exist in nature. This garden chokes and buries so many under its unnatural growth, and yet, its harms have become so normalized.
Went on a first date with a dude and things were going great until he got a bit too plastered and asked if he could come up to my place. I told him no, I don’t do hookups. He keeps pushing, I keep telling him no, politely because I don’t like my odds of 1v1ing a drunk six foot dude who’s one of the best athletes in the province.
Bro starts glowering at me, pulls away and just says “so you’ve rejected me?” And at this point the tension is getting pretty bad, so I tell him “of course not, I just don’t feel comfortable fucking on the first date. I’m sorry if you feel like I’ve wasted your time, I’ll send you my portion of the bill and you should head straight home and get some rest”.
He says it’s fine, and that he’ll see me home safely in spite of my multiple attempts to get him to just go back to his own place and sleep. Really silent the whole time, just walking behind me with a very scary look on his face. As we walked to my place, he starts leaning in for a kiss. I sidestepped it into an awkward pat on the back+cheek kiss, and he starts getting pissy and asks why I won’t kiss him.
I told him I have to get to know him better, and he grabs me by the neck and pulling me in. At this point I go “OH SHIT I THINK THATS MY MOM”, which made him drop me for a second, and run for my fucking life while this dude is calling after me telling me I’m a selfish person who thinks I’m more important than everyone else and disregarding his needs entirely.
T-T I was so fucking scared holy shite. I just got a texted apology and he said he’s too ashamed to face me and that he’ll never do it again and I should find a better man. Aghhhhhh the adrenaline is still running through me, genuinely thought he was gonna merk me on the sidewalk if I didn’t kiss him.
I just want a hug and a warm bath, never been so scared in my life. My head hurts like a bitch and I just feel so cold