u/LessBag6061

After a long mental breakdown I’ve decided to hang up the pumps. I made it a month and a half. I was doing EVERYTHING I possibly could and was only producing at most an ounce a breast. I’m so tired and so focused on my milk supply that I’m exhausted. I’m not able to enjoy anything because it’s all I think about. I also was diagnosed with DMER and I’m sick of feeling nauseous and rage fueled at each pump. I have to put me first so I can put baby first. I still feel so incredibly guilty… I don’t know how to not feel guilty. It seems so easy for everyone else. I’m sad that I couldn’t make it work.

It’s 3 am and I’m an under supplier. I just finished pumping my liquid gold. 1.5oz combined from both. I went to wash my pump parts so that they’d be ready for my next session. I was being kind to my future self. In my sleep deprived state I dumped the milk and washed the container it was in. I didn’t notice until I started looking for the milk. I literally just stared at the sink and went to bed. I would definitely cry over spilled milk if I wasn’t so sleepy.

How long are we pumping for? I was doing 10 min on each but I don’t think it’s enough.

I currently am a SPED teacher for elementary aged kids who have some serious behaviors. I love my job. I do come home covered in bruises and bites but it’s my passion. However, we have an employee shortage right now. Which means I’m getting very little help. I’m 36 weeks pregnant and today I had a kid grab my stomach so hard that I have marks. I’ve been feeling my baby active all day after so while I only think it’s surface level(a bruise and scratch) it did shake me.

My school will not let me take a maternity leave pre birth without a doctor saying it’s necessary. I have my 36 week appointment tomorrow and my husband wants me to ask for a note saying I should go on leave early. He just is scared for my safety as a first time parent. And I’d be lying if I said I don’t come home stressed, exhausted, and in pain everyday. And I wouldn’t say no to an early leave (who would?)

Is it worth asking my OB to give me a note recommending early leave tomorrow? Or will I just get shot down due to no true medical reasoning for an early leave.

Has anyone else been through this?