u/LevelLime1591

Have been married 15 years. I am the main breadwinner and have been for our entire marriage. I have gone back to school multiple times and worked my way up the ladder from the bottom and I now make pretty good money, though we’re not rich by any means. My spouse has had some decent jobs, but in the past several years has started coasting and unfortunately gone backwards. He’s not making very much, enough to cover less than 1/4 of our monthly basics.

Here’s the thing…we had a convo about him needing to save more for retirement. I am currently on track but it’s still on the low side with inflation. He agreed he wasn’t saving nearly enough, and we have maybe 10-15 years to set aside as much as possible. Instead of him looking for a better job (he is middle aged making just over minimum wage), starting a side hustle, or spending less…he just started moving a few hundred dollars every month from our joint account to his 401k. Because it’s “our money.”

He got a brand new truck last year that I cosigned for and used $15k from our joint savings as a down payment. He spends frivolously. He doesn’t go without. Doesn’t really budget. Doesn’t do our taxes or understand how our household operates.

I feel like I am not only financing his everyday, but his post-work life as well. If he wants to keep living the same lifestyle in retirement, he’s gotta help me pay for it. Am I the asshole for setting a boundary at his retirement?

I make 7x as much as my husband—not through luck, but through education, experience, and grit (including going back to school in my 30s while working full time). Because of this we have been able to buy a house, go on nice vacations abroad, and have hobbies.

I feel good making more and being able to support both of us, but in the past 5-7 years he has slowly lost drive to maintain, keep, or advance in a job. He is currently over 40yo and in a minimum wage job. He has some trade certifications but doesn’t want to use them. He had an opportunity to go to college for half price and did not apply.

Luckily he likes to cook at home, and will also share some of the housework (we have no children). In the summer he takes care of 80% of the yard work.

Lately I have become resentful—not just due to the income disparity and lack of drive/initiation, but also a lack of affection, care, appreciation, and increased spending on his part. I feel used and like a roommate, not a partner. I brought up the topic of an allowance (the same amount for each of us to be fair) and he blew through two months worth in the first.

He actually asked me if I had thought about quitting my job for a lesser-paying one so that he could feel more like equals. And YES we are going to therapy (there are other factors at play, but one topic at a time).

He wasn’t this way in the beginning, and we combined our finances early on. Would I be a complete bitch to ask to split bills 50/50? How do others in this situation deal with equity and initiative?