u/Level_Inevitable_515

**TLDR: My (21F) fiancé (21M) just told me he doesn’t want kids anymore. I’ve always dreamed of having a big family and being a SAHM. I don’t know if I should stay, and if I do, whether I’m quietly hoping for an “accident” instead of being honest with myself.**
My fiancé and I are high school sweethearts, both 21. We just had a really painful conversation, he’s decided he doesn’t want kids. I always knew he wasn’t a huge “kid person,” but I chalked it up to him being the youngest in a small family with basically zero experience around kids. I have a huge family, I love kids, I’m getting my degree in education, and I’ve always wanted 3 to 4 of my own. I guess I assumed that once we got a little older, he’d come around.
Here’s what’s confusing me: I told him early on that I wouldn’t go on birth control (it messes me up badly) and that if I got pregnant by accident, I wouldn’t get an abortion. He said that was fine, he’d never force me into either. We actually had a pregnancy scare recently and he handled it really well. So now I’m stuck on this, how is he fine with raising an “accident” baby but draws a hard line at a planned one? Does that mean deep down he’s not as against it as he thinks? Or is that just him being willing to sacrifice for me if it happens, without actually wanting it?
His reasons are that he thinks he’s too selfish right now, and that we’d struggle more financially. Which, fair, we’re 21, and if I’m honest, I don’t want a baby right now either. We’re both still in school, still figuring things out.
Everyone I’ve talked to says the same thing: don’t sacrifice kids for anyone, it’s one of my biggest dreams, we had this whole plan of me being a SAHM. It does make me sad. But I also can’t picture building a life with anyone else. I don’t want to choose a fantasy in my head over an actual person I love. At the same time, I refuse to spend years secretly hoping for an “oops” so I get what I want without ever having to actually address this with him.
There’s also a fertility piece. He has low testosterone (runs in his family), so conceiving might not be easy for him anyway, and I have a history of ovarian cysts and pain. If we got married, tried, and it turned out one of us couldn’t conceive, I would never leave him over that. So this isn’t really about “can we,” it’s about “does he want to.”
We’re careful too. I track my cycle, and we use protection probably 9 times out of 10. I’m not naive about how this works, and neither is he. It could happen. Last night he actually said that would be okay. That if I got pregnant, we’d raise the baby, and he would never ask me to terminate.
I want to be clear, I don’t resent him, and I don’t think he’d resent me. I did cry a little over the loss of the version of motherhood I always pictured. But I can still be the fun aunt. I’ll have my own students once I’m teaching, since I won’t be a SAHM anymore. My life wouldn’t be bad, just different from what I imagined. And I’d still have him. He said something similar from his side too, that he doesn’t want to be without me either.
Has anyone been on either side of this? How did you actually resolve it instead of just quietly living in the gray area?