u/Lil_Dawnrose

Positivity feels like a trap

So I’m transitioning. Wauw, feels wild to say it. As of yet I’ve had, I think, each of the types of positive reactions you’d hope for.

1. “Nice. Proud of you. Don’t care. But like in a loving way.” - best friend
2. “I’m so happy for you, I always knew I was lesbian. We’re gonna make it.” - Girlfriend
3. “Cool. Nah it’s like not a thing necessary to celebrate because capitalism will make it suck for us.” - Trans friends
4. “But in reality we’re all non-binary.” - my mom

Now I’m aware these are wonky positives but they seem so prevalent in the community mythos of what coming out could be.

Then I had the weird double negatives:

“While I’m happy for you, I can’t tell you anything about long term support, as I suspect new administration could be just as bad. We’re a very diverse community, our central goal as a firm is to be a safe space for all kinds of workers, but I can’t tell you it is safe.” - HR manager under rights to privacy.

All of this was like… fine? The last one was a test as I do intend to quit cuz HR is right. There’s some definite transphobia at work. Not that they know about me.

But the one that makes me tje most scared is that I’m doing ok. Like emotionally I’m pretty tough. I’ve had so much shit thrown at me, that I think I fucked up with my doctors.
Brief additional story time:

I live in a wonderfully supportive country so I could actually get to meet with a doctor for a consult. A specialist. That’s the actual dream.

And yet what became so clear was that she was fishing for impossibility. Paradoxically hoping dysphoria would be a life threatening disease in me, while also being happy to see I wasn’t depressed.

I basically had to make a happy piece of news about self love and acceptance into sounding like terminal cancer that I was OK with. Somehow that felt more like liberal talking points than just saying I should DIY.
I know that I’m lucky to even receive such care.

But I’m 26, coming up on 27. And the wait times are years plus. I didn’t have time to resolve these issues earlier and I RN, as I should be getting ready for another day of performance as a “very male receptionist” at a fancy hotel this shit just feels like a positivity trap.

Literally what the fuxk do I have to manifest here???

Title description IG?

Watch me become a regular here. But anyway my part time job is as described. I get my salary and bonus on being a calming professional and certain entity that is interesting to talk to, relatable, and acceptable looking.

Estrogen-fueled euphoric puberty does not sound like a solid mix there?? We have strongly gendered uniforms that make my shoulders look wider, tight pants.

Edit: Haha fuck you’re all brilliant, fair enough. ❤️💖