r/honesttransgender

https://aermia.com/u/NancySadkov/p/not-your-personal-army

I'm 23 MTF pre-transition. Internally I'm nonbinary but would prefer to pass as a women. I'm often trying to find realistic examples of before & after transition results l but it's been difficult.

Most photos include some sort of editing, face filters, favourable posing etc. That makes it difficult to figure out what kind of physical changes I could realistically expect from hrt.

Unfortunately I spent 6 years in the gym, have a super deep voice, look masculine (albeit people tell me they assume I'm younger) so I have low hope. I don't have terrible dysphoria so I'd rather repress if I know I won't be able to pass even with surgery.

Is there a way to estimate ​my likelihood of passing?

This is hard to word so bare with me, I don’t want to sound like a privileged asshole who thinks he’s superior. I used to go to school with a closeted trans man, I will not be disclosing any details about him. Anyway, he would sit with me at lunch and often hang out with me because I was the only other out trans man in our highschool. I haven’t seen or spoke to him in years but today I saw a post that his mom made with a picture of him. He looked deeply uncomfortable, he was wearing makeup, he had even longer hair since I last saw him. Thinking about this makes me feel incredibly bad and uncomfortable for him, I keep imagining myself as him and I wish I could talk to him. His facial expression is so sad looking, he looks so unhappy and uncomfortable. I am privileged enough to be able to socially/medically transition and the amount of dysphoria I still have despite that makes me think about how much mental pain and suffering he is in. I deeply feel for anyone who is unable to transition and I feel so much empathy for them. I wish I could give him a chest binder, or even just give him words of validation, it makes me feel terrible that I can not. I want to be the support that he doesn’t have in his family, I just want to be his friend again. I hope he knows that I see him as who he truly is and I hope one day he can be able to be himself

I’m crying so bad right now… I’m starting to think I do like my body. I don’t know why I keep getting thoughts like this and why I can’t get rid of them…. If I’m going to be honest, I mostly only feel this way about my chest and nothing else. Every time I look at myself, I think I’m cute but it upsets me and I wish I didn’t like how I looked and I wish I could feel like a man and look like one. I hate how pretty I am, it doesn’t feel right, I often get surprised and scared when I look at myself either that or I just feel numb and almost “normal” but I’m upset at my body for being female. I just want to have a flat chest but I know I’m not allowed to transition at all if I feel this way, I want a deeper voice, male facial structure, and a penis too but I could never be allowed to get that…. I just have to be stuck crying everyday being envious of men and knowing that I can’t ever be a boy.
I also get deeply scared if I’m attracted to a girl I think “what if I want to be like her” even though I don’t, it’s so pathetic… I’ll never be able to be a man

The short of it is that people tend to give less of a shit about you being trans if you pass and even less so if you're pretty. I am pretty open about being trans, but as I started passing, women started treating me like any other woman and men started treating me like a woman, even people who knew me before transition and people to whom I'm openly trans. There is a difference between the sort of initial tentative acceptance people grant a visibly trans person and the unthinking acceptance people grant others they consider to be of a certain gender. The people with whom I get this most uncritically that I'm out to are people who I've met recently, which complicates the read a bit, but I think the point still stands.

I think we need to talk about this more because being stealth comes with some significant downsides - you have to work hard to keep your past secret and the fall of being outed is vertiginous. I am coming to think the best sort of transition is "need to know" - there's no need to tell your boss or co-workers, for instance, but I think letting others in your personal life know - without being outed by your body - is a true luxury.

The one caveat I'd like to carve out here is that I'm not straight and it is probably different for straight girls in particular. Men who are dating are a whole different beast and it's probably worth considering whether you want to narrow your pool to people who are cool with you having been AMAB.

It's a pet peeve of mine. It doesn't bug me as much as it used to, but it still gets under my skin. I'm not mad like I used to be.

It's fresh on my mind because it happened on two separate occasions from different people. And these are people I genuinely like, I don't want to call them liars but idk a better way of wording beyond hugboxing I guess

I haven't seen my electrologist in a while & while we were talking, she mentioned she and her staff thought I was a cis lesbian for months. supposedly they were confused when they saw me use the mens room.

yeah, because so many cis women go in with male facial hair 🙄

and then later on that day I was at band practice. Apparently the last two bassists for the band were also trans women. That had come up somehow and then I mentioned like if I knew that I probably would never have auditioned + how being trans is legit one of the worst things about my life and I hate it so much. they all went on to reinforce how they thought i was just a lesbian until they saw me vent about my failed transition on socials.

yeah, because im sure they do pronoun circles for everyone they meet

I just wish people knew that they didn't have to make stuff up or handle me with kid gloves. I'm not gonna kms over ppl admitting I look like a man. it's not exactly news to me

And there's like ways to be real without being rude also. there's a huge gap between little white lies and cruelty.

I (MtF, 24) took a long time to understand myself as trans. I started when I was 20 years old, but only started on hormones nine months later. I did the first two years as a partial boymoder (friends and part of the family knew), because I worked at a family business, but by the beginning of the third year I fully socially transitioned. I was excited to live my life. I started college, became a teacher assistant, made new friends. It felt like I was finally having a chance at living. But after two years, it feels like everything is crushed.

I live in a third world country, very conservative. I'm also poor, with no health insurance, trying a career as a teacher (type of job that doesn't pay very much) and I'm obviously very clocky. Hormones did nothing for me except for big nipples and making my skin and hair less oily. I do not look like a woman at all. And no, please don't tell me I need to learn to do makeup or buy specific clothes because I did that, I'm good at makeup and I know all the types of clothes that my body would benefit the most from. None of these worked. I never had someone calling me by she/her without me having to do a whole "Hey, my name is __, feminine pronouns please". And even when I did this type of presentation people would still misgender me because what they were seeing looked like a man with long hair and makeup and painted nails. Everytime I took the bus I instantly became the weirdest animal at the zoo; I didn't felt comfortable entering the women's bathroom because everybody looked at me weird; I never had an interaction with a straight man that didn't felt extremely dehumanizing. I couldn't get a job. My Uber score is constantly dropping either because a) the driver is a man then he instantly hates me as soon as get in the car and he sees my appearance, or b) the driver is a woman opting only to give rides for women and she doesn't understand why the hell a man is inside her car.

Well, a few weeks ago I decided I want to detransition. Yes, I love being myself, I loved discovering myself and being able to express my womanhood and femininity and wearing the clothes I liked and my long hair was a dream I had ever since I was a child. But I also miss feeling like a human. I want to go to a bathroom without feeling scared, I want to have a chance at a job, I want to feel safe going out, I want to have romance and sex in a way that doesn't feel degrading, I want to go to college feeling excited and not depressed because I know this will be another day of me putting so much effort when it's meaningless. But God, I will forever miss that first feeling of happiness when my hair got to a length I've always dreamed of. I cut 75% of it already as part of the process of the detransition, but I'm still not brave enough to cut it really short; as if I'm still clinging to my transition through my own hair. Like one day a miracle could happen and I could come back to being my true self.

So, I figured this might be a good place to talk about this and possibly get advice/insight from people more experienced and familiar with this than myself. (For context to the rest of this, I'm AMAB non-binary) Is it wrong or bad of me to wish that I was born AFAB so that I could be transmasc? Because I feel that's how I would be happiest in life and I can't really explain it. I've been thinking about this for months and I can't find an answer anywhere and I need help.

I’m 20mtf, 8 months hrt and will probably never pass without surgeries I can never afford, my body and face is simply too masculine. And I live with my family I’m not out to despite working a full time job due to the economy, I love the affects of hrt but I know realistically a linebacker in a dress saying “I’m a woman use she her please” isn’t a social transition, it’s social suicide.

I feel profound depression and want to end things every day but can’t afford a therapist. My mum keeps asking me what’s wrong when I have a mental breakdown and start screaming and crying in distress and burning myself with a blowtorch, but I have no option but to be rude to her and tell her to go away because there is no way in hell I’m EVER coming out and being an ogre in a dress that people see and say “what the fuck is that” and bringing shame on my family and being unhirable.

I really need good honest advice to not feel extremely miserable all the time where I will have to live as a man indefinitely, I haven’t gotten gendered female once and my boss says I’m a “big burly man” as a compliment and other guys ask my gym routine and I looked like a 30 year old man at 16 for an idea of how bad it is.

I hardly ever post these days, and will likely delete this later. However, some comments today just brought home how differently those I know and feel close to approach(ed) treatment as compared to what I mostly see here.

There was no "Am I trans?"

The question was "Can I truly make it across the sex divide and find normalcy?"

There was no questioning—other than whether one's quality of life could improve. We never wanted to be transsexual, and never "identified" as the opposite sex. Nor did we "identify" as trans.

Sure, I knew I did not fit in as a male. I was never a member of their circles, and was thought weird when I did attend. Women did not mind the weirdness, though, and I knew I could survive because I could always say I was born that way.

However, should I fail at crossing over and end up trans... even that would not work. It would be seen as a choice.

Thus, I had to look at my starting point. I knew strangers tended to think I was female, and even some cousins mixed me up with my sisters. That was encouraging.

However, everyone on the internet spoke of transwomen and being trans, and of "the community" and other such things that implied one would be forever set apart. That discouraged me. A lot.

What helped was getting found by a lovely lady who had completed treatment over fifty years ago. She just went abroad to get surgery, and after recovering went on to find work, excel at it, marry several times (only one husband knew of her past) and live a normal, fulfilling life that had nothing whatsoever to do with "trans."

She was proof that what I needed was possible.

One can just leave the past behind and eschew the transosphere. It offers nothing that can beat assimilation into society at large—and ending up a permanent resident only narrows one's world view.

I only remain in these spaces to repeat that every now and then.
What matters is the end result.

I’ve had other trans girls call me a man, a chomo, a predator, a fetishist.

I’ve never done anything to anyone and do not want to be stereotyped or slandered by people who should be my sisters for something I literally did not choose.

And I talk above 5'10 tall

Let's be honest

We're fucked are we?

I mean, since the beginning of my transition, my height ALWAYS.FUCKING.CLOCK.ME.

People are gentle, sure but they know, oh they know you're trans, you can look whatever you want, you can add makeup or whatever, they know.

And the worst part, IT WILL NEVER CHANGE

We're condemn, we're in the worst side of the worst side of the trans who can transition because most of the time, we will be the townpole of all the misogyny, transmisogy and sheer hatred

We're so fucked

For a long time now i’ve had recurring thoughts that maybe i wish i was a woman. and i mean i do really like feeling pretty and sometimes i wish i was born a woman and i would be happier if i was but idk if thats like for sure me being trans or if i just blame my problems on something. it’s been happening for years now and it always comes back ,the thought that if i was a woman or more feminine then id really actually like myself and think myself lovable and attractive for once. i have like tried dressing feminine and it did a little for me it was nice to just sit in and be that way but i felt rediculois like it wasn’t meant for me. j do have really love curly blonde hair and my pretty hair is my pride and joy it’s one of the only things physically i love about myself. i just want some advice and or help on this from people
who are trans female to male and maybe know what i’m going through if i am indeed trans but yea any advice would be really helpful it’s a lot and it’s really confusing.

I don't really have anyone to talk to about this, but a group that has previously been supportive made some jokes that really hurt... I didn't shut it down or say anything because I didn't want to ruin the mood or out myself.

The topic came up how a guy in the voice chat (let's just call him Tom) and I watch shows every Wednesday, and sometimes doze off. Tom got a bit defensive, mentioned that there's a big pile of pillows between us, then another person in the group (let's just call her Sarah) went on and on about how that's "super gay" and referenced the "two guys in a hot tub" meme. Tom went on to say it's not like that, he doesn't "bat for the same team" and all that. I couldn't really say anything because there was another person in the call that I'm not out to (no idea if my voice passes or not, can't get an honest answer from anyone. It feels like nice people say it does but everyone else just hears a feminine male.)

I keep replaying it in my head. Would they have made that joke if I was a cis woman? Is it overly sensitive for me to feel hurt by this? Both Tom and Sarah have been nothing but supportive prior to this, but now I'm questioning if all they see and hear is a man. I just want to curl in a ball and cry. I don't even know what to do from here... I'm not a good communicator, nor am I good at standing up for myself. I'm autistic and anyone that even tolerates me is super rare... I don't want to be the kind of person people have to walk on eggshells around, but the joke really hurt. I'm not a strong person, or a brave one. If these sorts of comments from people I like eat me up like this... Fuck it just leaves me wondering if I can even survive what society will throw at me if I don't pass. What should I even do?

Hey everyone. I honestly don’t even know exactly what I’m looking for here. Maybe advice, maybe people who have gone through something similar, or maybe I just need to vent.

I’m really, really considering the possibility that I’m a trans woman. At this point, I feel like I’m starting to genuinely see myself as a woman. I think about being a woman basically 24/7, even though I’m still completely living in boymode.

But there’s one thing that scares the hell out of me.

A lot of my earliest desires around being a woman came from porn. Especially sissy porn and other very fetishized/objectifying content. And because of that, there’s always this thought in the back of my head: Do I actually want to be a woman, or did porn somehow create this?

Because outside of porn... I still want it.

I look at transition timelines all the time, and sometimes my immediate reaction is basically, oh my God, that could be me. I see these women becoming more and more comfortable in themselves, and part of me is just thinking, I want to be the next one. I want that to be my timeline someday.

And even when I see trans women in porn sometimes, my brain isn’t necessarily focused on the sexual part. Sometimes I’m literally just looking at the woman herself and thinking, I want to look like that. I want to be closer to that. Why can’t that be me? And that honestly makes everything even more confusing, because it feels like there’s clearly something there beyond just being turned on.

I think about living my everyday life as a woman. Looking like a woman, dressing as one, being perceived as one, having relationships as one, growing older as one. And yes, sexuality is part of it too. I want to experience sex as a woman, with men and women.

Sometimes I’ll see a woman and have this weird combination of I’m attracted to her and I desperately want to be her. Like wanting her and wanting to somehow be in her skin at the same time. I know that sounds creepy when I write it out, but I really don’t mean it that way. It’s just the closest way I can describe the feeling.

And I know transitioning isn’t some fantasy. I know being a woman isn’t just the things I romanticize, and being a trans woman can come with an entirely different set of difficulties on top of everything else.

That’s part of why I’m terrified.

I’m scared of transitioning and someday realizing that I made a life-changing decision because of something that started as a fetish. At the same time, it doesn’t feel like something that stays in the bedroom anymore. It feels like it has spread into the way I imagine my entire life and the way I think about myself.

And honestly, I’m also terrified of actually sharing any of this with people in my real life. Saying it anonymously on Reddit is one thing. Saying out loud to someone I know, “I think I might actually want to live as a woman,” feels completely different. I don’t even know how I would begin that conversation or how people would look at me afterward.

And just to be clear, I absolutely do not think trans women are a fetish. That’s actually part of why this makes me so uncomfortable. I hate that so much of the content that introduced me to these feelings came from an industry that fetishizes trans women and femininity in the first place.

Has anyone here experienced something similar?

Especially people whose gender questioning initially had a very sexual or porn-related component: how did you eventually separate sexuality/fantasy from your actual gender identity?

If you’ve been through anything remotely like this, I’d really appreciate hearing your experience. Feel free to comment or DM me if you’d rather talk privately.

Thanks for reading my messy vent.

XOXO. Love you all.

I hate self-isolating because of being in the closet. I'm MTF.

I've been on HRT for the past few months, and it's been coming along nicely. But I still boymode for safety because I live in a red state that's not the safest for me to come out. I'd rather wait to pass, or at least be heavily feminized before coming out publicly. So my life has been mostly living online (where I'm openly fem), driving Doordash for work, and going out when I absolutely have to.

I get that I'll be treated as a guy because I boymode and barely started HRT. Especially by strangers because they don't know me. But I mean I even get deadnamed or treated as a guy (misgendered, sir'd, etc.) by friends and family even when I have been open about me being transgender.

Personally I fucking hate it, and it drives me nuts, but I just politely correct them (especially the deadname) or try not to react at all. But these days I've just been self-isolating and not really talking that much to people IRL because I hate being treated as a guy. I hate seeing a guy in the mirror and, while I like that I'm currently on HRT, I just wish it would go faster.

I just wish there was a better way. But I feel at odds with the real life world because I wish to been as and treated as the woman I am, but the world either can't or won't. My trans brother (FTM) says I shouldn't let this bother me because I should transition for me, not them. And he has a point that I shouldn't let it get to me, but the constant misgendering/deadnaming still bothers me alot and the world won't listen to me when I try to assert my identity.

So I just sit in my bedroom day in and day out, depressed, biding my time while HRT does it's work.

I think a lot of trans women mistake politeness for passing.

I'm at the point where I haven't been misgendered by a stranger in over a year and no one stares at me on public transport or when using the women's restroom.

But I also live in a progressive city so people generally understand that you're supposed to address a trans woman as she.

So if you wanted to remove politeness from the equation and genuinely stress test your passing, where would you go? How can I get honest irl feedback?