u/Azure125

I don't really have anyone to talk to about this, but a group that has previously been supportive made some jokes that really hurt... I didn't shut it down or say anything because I didn't want to ruin the mood or out myself.

The topic came up how a guy in the voice chat (let's just call him Tom) and I watch shows every Wednesday, and sometimes doze off. Tom got a bit defensive, mentioned that there's a big pile of pillows between us, then another person in the group (let's just call her Sarah) went on and on about how that's "super gay" and referenced the "two guys in a hot tub" meme. Tom went on to say it's not like that, he doesn't "bat for the same team" and all that. I couldn't really say anything because there was another person in the call that I'm not out to (no idea if my voice passes or not, can't get an honest answer from anyone. It feels like nice people say it does but everyone else just hears a feminine male.)

I keep replaying it in my head. Would they have made that joke if I was a cis woman? Is it overly sensitive for me to feel hurt by this? Both Tom and Sarah have been nothing but supportive prior to this, but now I'm questioning if all they see and hear is a man. I just want to curl in a ball and cry. I don't even know what to do from here... I'm not a good communicator, nor am I good at standing up for myself. I'm autistic and anyone that even tolerates me is super rare... I don't want to be the kind of person people have to walk on eggshells around, but the joke really hurt. I'm not a strong person, or a brave one. If these sorts of comments from people I like eat me up like this... Fuck it just leaves me wondering if I can even survive what society will throw at me if I don't pass. What should I even do?

Just over 2 weeks on HRT (4mg estradiol 100 mg spiro) and I'm wondering if it's feasible to lose weight. I've heard that operating under a calorie deficit can negatively impact fat redistribution and overall development, so that is my first and primary concern. My secondary concern is that I find myself WAY hungrier and way more tired right now, plus I'm getting random muscle aches throughout the day. I also haven't had any major mental improvements that other people report from HRT - I'm still just as depressed and maybe even a little bit more lethargic, though I do like that my skin feels at least a little bit smoother, so there's that very slight silver lining.

I'm 6'1 and the highest I've ever weighed is 293 lbs, lowest in the past decade around 215 lbs. Currently 240 lbs and not wanting things to backside any further. I have a very wide frame and think that any more weight will leave me looking like a fridge and completely unable to pass.

Should I eat when I feel hungry or ignore it? Are the aches and lethargy normal and do they go away? Can I safely drop down to 1200-1600 calories a day without it negatively impacting my transition? I just wish things would get easier...

My current primary care physician is a cis white man that doesn't even believe hair restoration medication works, so I worry what would happen if I acquired HRT via informed consent and continued with this doctor. I'm not all that attached to this current doctor anyways - so if I want to find a new one, I'm wondering how to find one that would be non-transphobic? Bonus points if I could find one that could prescribe HRT! I live near Chicago so I'm sure finding care in the city would work, but that's still further than I would like to travel and I hate city driving. Is there a particular type of doctor (DO, MD) that I should look for, and is there any means to find if they would be not necessarily affirming - but at the very least keep things professional?

I've been voice training without any professional help on and off for about a year and a half now. I'd say about 8 months in I reached a point where what I had was enough to reduce dysphoria and use in safe spaces, and just kind of stuck with that with small attempts to incrementally improve after. My primary resources have been from TransVoiceLessons.

Now I'd like to reach the point where my voice passes, but I've hit a bit of a wall. I know it doesn't pass at all and would like to reach the point where it's cis-passing, which means I would like for it to be lighter and brighter while still sounding natural, comfortable, and without strain. There are a lot of aspects to voice, so I'm wondering what I can focus on to move in that direction. I feel like my resonance is okay - but there may be issues with my pitch, weight, size, and balance that result in a sound that is too low, buzzy, and clocky. Lately I've been trying SOVT exercises but haven't had any luck. When I try to shift my size or pitch to go higher, I experience strain, and when I try to shift my weight lighter things become quiet or unstable.

Ideally I'd like specific exercises, areas to focus on, and if there are any bad habits you hear in the recording. I'm also at a point where vocal coaching may be in order, especially if I've built up bad habits that need to be undone, so any trusted/credentialed resources or recommendations there may be helpful as well.

Voice Tools Statistics: Pitch Average: 200.1Hz Median: 191.2Hz High (95th): 243.8Hz Low (95th): 170.6Hz Very High 2% Female Range: 96% Androgynous Range: 11% Male Range: 1% Very Low 0% Volume Environment: 71.1db Average: 74.5db (3.4db) Median: 78.6db (7.5db) High (95th): 86.8db (15.7db) Low (95th): 53.0db (-18.1db)