u/3amcaliburrito

do you see us as the same as you?

below you?

does the sight of us make you uncomfortable?

is it a challenge to gender us correctly?

do you pity us?

think we're lazy?

do you think it's our fault that society overwhelmingly disapproves of trans people?

other thoughts?

a curious mind wants to know. it's been a busy day and this is what bubbled to the top of my head when I finally sat down.

It's absolutely wild how well Texans affirm my gender. I come here for work and it's like I've been here for a day and I've probably gotten ma'am like a hundred times by like 30 to 50 different people. It's like I can't even I'm not supposed to legally use the ladies room here and it's supposed to be like the most awful transphobic people.

And then like back home in my city in a blue state I'm going to get misgendered by a viet nail tech.

I wish it wasn't such an emotional roller coaster with this type of thing

Honorifics generally annoy me but like I feel like I could almost get used to this. I need to go back home in a few days and I guess put my guard back up and get ready for misgendering who knows when the next time it will happen

People love to use that cope like cis women have strong Jaws or wide shoulders or no breast development or no hips or big hands thin hair or facial hair etc etc

Sometimes I'm like maybe they're kind of right

And then I spend like too busy nights in a row out doing things, touching grass, funny how I just somehow never seem to run across these people in the wild.

It's Like A demented game of where's Waldo . last night i saw a blind woman at a concert... I did not see one that looked as masculine as I did. lol what are the odds?.

and then the 'cis women don't pass either' 'beauty standards'bla bla bla shut up

sure rare outliers happen. Some don't have 10 toes either or two eyes

maybe comforting lies help you sleep at night? not me

I've been on it for a few months now(5mg then 10mg for a month) and my Pharmacy screwed up my orders and I've been without it for the last week and for like the last 3 days I've just felt like shit. Mostly like vertigo issues.

I finally got it straightened out and I'm about to go pick up my prescription from the pharmacy right now but I'm wondering like how long I can expect to still feel like crap?

I have a show on Friday. two 90 min sets. Hoping I feel normal by then because band practice last night was pretty rough. my bass has never felt so heavy and difficult 😪

i saw a poll yesterday that has been stuck in my head. 2% never pass & 10% rarely pass. the vast majority of trans people mog me. I'm experiencing an uncommonly awful situation.

I know I should be over it by now, but reading statistics on how many people pass in some capacity is kind of like salt in the wound.

more than half of trans ppl always or almost always pass. idk i guess I didn't realize it was skewed so heavily that direction. I kinda thought there were more ppl like me. i guess it makes even more sense how many problems I had over the years trying to fit in with trans community, likely being in the least privileged 2%.

I wonder if these numbers are skewed even heavier by now. i think it was dated 2015

https://transequality.org/sites/default/files/docs/usts/USTS-Full-Report-Dec17.pdf

actually yeah just checked and that 12% turned into 11% 4y ago. I bet it's lower now ;_;

enjoy your privilege if you have it. must be nice. ah I still can't believe I ever thought i had a chance.

It's a pet peeve of mine. It doesn't bug me as much as it used to, but it still gets under my skin. I'm not mad like I used to be.

It's fresh on my mind because it happened on two separate occasions from different people. And these are people I genuinely like, I don't want to call them liars but idk a better way of wording beyond hugboxing I guess

I haven't seen my electrologist in a while & while we were talking, she mentioned she and her staff thought I was a cis lesbian for months. supposedly they were confused when they saw me use the mens room.

yeah, because so many cis women go in with male facial hair 🙄

and then later on that day I was at band practice. Apparently the last two bassists for the band were also trans women. That had come up somehow and then I mentioned like if I knew that I probably would never have auditioned + how being trans is legit one of the worst things about my life and I hate it so much. they all went on to reinforce how they thought i was just a lesbian until they saw me vent about my failed transition on socials.

yeah, because im sure they do pronoun circles for everyone they meet

I just wish people knew that they didn't have to make stuff up or handle me with kid gloves. I'm not gonna kms over ppl admitting I look like a man. it's not exactly news to me

And there's like ways to be real without being rude also. there's a huge gap between little white lies and cruelty.

like when they gender them correctly even though their gut says otherwise or when they give someone a compliment "you're so pretty today" even when they're uncanny & bizarre?

I bet they feel pretty good. it's like

>That's my good deed for the week

it's very kind and i appreciate it even if it's mostly out of pity. it's like when a preschooler shows you their coloring book and they're outside of all the lines and the colors are all wrong but you want them to be happy and feel good so you tell them

>you did such a good job!

and then you put it on the fridge. that's the equivalent of saying the nice thing in public

allies are great ❤️ tysm if any of you are lurking

have you seen that movie with Demi Moore? It's a few years old. body horror

short version - someone takes medicine to become beautiful. it seems like it's working at first. eventually they turn into a monster. a complete abomination.

it's genuinely terrifying nightmare fuel

so yah. that's my life

boo

The uncanny is the psychological experience of an event or thing that is unsettling in a way that feels oddly familiar, rather than simply mysterious

straight to the point - some of us are stuck in uncanny valley(myself included). enough of us that we turn into lolcows (wow I haven't used that in ages). there's a certain level of dimorphism people become accustomed to during their lives. Subconsciously we associate certain features with males and some with females.

Transitioning after puberty can sometimes leave you stuck with an odd collection of features that don't distinctly place you in one category. And this isn't all non-passing people I would guess. But it's enough to stick out and impact our social acceptance as a whole I think.

I'm not trying to say that if someone doesn't pass that they are uncanny and I'm not trying to imply that attraction is exclusively related to passing. and like speaking just for myself- I don't think that I have terrible features (I'd make a handsome man prob) but I think that being uncanny effectively makes me ugly to the general public

So I guess back to the original question is like what what does it take to normalize The Uncanny? Is it just widespread social exposure from people at a young age? Social acceptance increasing positive visibility?

If the kids see someone uncanny on Sesame Street and everyone normalizes it will they grow up to think that that's normal & then it's not uncanny anymore?

Maybe this phenomenon is something that will pass as people like me pass away and are replaced with people who didn't have to go through their agab puberty. maybe it won't?

Maybe nothing will change & this will be the normal for generations?

thoughts?

i'm not sure if this will be relatable, but i want to put it out there. this goes out primarily to people who were unsure if transition was the right thing. maybe you got started and things didn't go so great. maybe you sat around thinking about it, sitting on the fence & unsure about moving past a certain milestone?

I'm approaching a point in my transition where it's going to be hard to turn back. i just went in for a fingerprint & background check for my legal name change. I'm considering some surgeries. i wouldn't say it's a point of no return, but these are some pretty major steps. not like i haven't done anything so far, but this feels like a big deal.

i think one of the other reasons it feels like a big deal is because of the beef with my mother. she's transphobic asf, we don't talk anymore. this feels like the nail in the coffin. it does feel like no turning back in my relationship with either parent after this. it's uncomfortable

i'm probably going to look like a man for the rest of my life. that's just my reality. we don't all get to pass. it sucks... i've had some bad experiences, whatever. i also feel like manmoding was just as bad - if not worse. idk if going back to full on repression is feasible. maybe it's sunken cost?

i feel like i started off pretty good with a lot of momentum in my transition. things went well enough up front and i was optimistic. ever since reality set in, it's been hard to commit. like i'm not sure if this is the best move for me.

so i'm at this point where I have an immediate major milestone coming up & a few likely afterwards. i worry that i'll still feel this uncertainty afterwards. i know nobody here can predict my life & how i'll feel. i'm just curious if others have gone through similar experiences & what the other side was like. did you come out more confident/certain? did you come out feeling regret? did you feel the same?

what do you think? sorry about my rambling. i know you all hate me, but i'm just being real & hoping for some people with similar experiences to chime in.

I feel like I've kind of hit a wall lately

I've been trying to add some new stuff and work on some more difficult music and I'm struuuuggling. it's like 80-90% speed and I'm falling apart

I feel like I've done a pretty good job at finding stuff that's progressively more difficult & now I'm at this big skill gap, struggling to find things to bridge the gap. I also feel ridiculous playing along to ultimate guitar tabs at 80%

I don't know that I've ever really felt like I hit a plateau until just lately

I almost exclusively just learn songs (mostly for shows with the band) and play along with songs, I don't know if maybe I need to look into doing exercises or something? take a break and get back into theory a bit?

the pain of living the rest of my life like this is sometimes unbearable. i think the cold nothing i felt before would have been better

I don't think the sting from a failed transition will fade. I have no reason to expect it will. I think about detransitioning sometimes, but I haven't been able to get any feedback from people who detransitioned because they had a failed transition to hear if it works for anyone

all of the conversion therapy is religious too, so even if it had credibility - that would kill it

it's a chronic life long condition I guess. no cure. I bet it's nice having a successful transition. not as nice as being cis but prob much better than this

I hate my life so much. I wish my therapist had gatekept me me. fml