Is it ok to prefer nonverbal forms of communication without being nonverbal?
I am capable of speaking, but often find myself feeling less like a person and more like an alien when I do. I was diagnosed with autism a few years back, but I'm still trying to understand how it affects me. I'm not sure if my preference for non-oral forms of communication is related to my diagnosis or not. I feel more connected to myself when I'm silent and just existing in a room with other people rather than having to participate in their conversation, but I can still articulate my thoughts verbally if I really need to in most situations. There are times when I become so overwhelmed that my whole body freezes and I can barely force any words out, but I don't feel as if it happens frequently enough to count it as a disability. I genuinely just prefer not to communicate verbally, in both private and public settings.
My biggest issue with this is having to combat the expectation that I have to communicate verbally because I am capable of doing so. It's hard to explain to people that I prefer not to speak after they've just heard me talk, and I feel like a fraud, but I'm only speaking because I know that's what is expected of me and makes other people most comfortable. Ideally, I would love to have the freedom to switch from being verbal to nonspeaking freely, but it's hard to do so around people who've only ever seen the verbal side of me. How do I explain my experience to people without coming off as ablest or disrespectful to those who physically can't speak freely? I don't WANT to be mute; I just don't want to be EXPECTED to be verbal all the time. I just can't help but feel like I'm making this up or that I'm taking away legitimacy from those who actually have difficulties speaking. Like, if I am capable of speaking, how dare I choose not to? Is it selfish for me to not want to all the time? I am aware that I am actively choosing not to speak, and this is where I feel conflicted.
I've started to experiment with being nonspeaking around two of my friends, as I've told them how I feel and that I wish to communicate nonverbally for the foreseeable future. I still speak when I'm around family or at work, because I've already built a life for myself in those settings where speaking is necessary and nonspeaking is misunderstood. When I hang out with those two friends, I make those days my "nonspeaking" days, where I text my friends to communicate instead of speaking. These days have been good for me, and I don't intend to stop anytime soon. I've actually been implementing nonverbal forms of communication into my everyday life, such as doctor's appointments, ordering food/coffee, and any interactions with strangers, etc. All I have to do is use my notes app on my phone to communicate, and people immediately understand and don't expect me to respond verbally. I have been starting each note with "Hi, I'm nonverbal..." but after doing some research, I've learned that claiming to be "nonverbal" when it's not a situation where you legitimately can't speak can be harmful to the autistic community. Is what I'm doing unfair or harmful, and are there other ways to express how I feel without taking validity away from those who wish to speak but have a hard time doing so?
Also, there are times when I do want to contribute to a conversation with my friends verbally, but I'm afraid to now after expressing that I feel more comfortable with nonverbal communication because I worry they'll assume that I'm "out of my nonspeaking phase" and will expect me to talk again from that point on. I feel the need to introduce myself to new people as nonspeaking as well, because otherwise they'll have an expectation of me that I can't always fulfill.
Can anyone relate? Please correct me if any of my terminology has been misused; I've been trying to avoid claiming to be selectively mute or nonverbal, but I don't know how else to describe my experience.