u/ListRevolutionary499

Twice, by different people in different approaches.

One of them was the son of family friends. I was under 10Y, and he was around 13Y I believe. It was, I would say, sexual/coercive. During dinners when, if we were at their house- he’d lock me in his room and force me to do all kinds of things. Some were simple activities that I didn’t enjoy (like forcing me to play instruments or dress up), but others went as far as forcing me to kiss him or touch him in inappropriate places. If we were at our house, he’d ask our parents to go to my room (our old house was separated in the middle by a garden, so my room was on the whole other side) and, again, force me to do activities I didn’t enjoy or consent to (including games such as ..playing doctor, I’ve heard that it’s inappropriate. Even more so with how he did it.)

It never went to that length, but it definitely left a scar. I would cry and beg my mom to stay with her. Eventually, when I grew up a bit, she let me off to stay at home and not go to their place anymore. He studies in the same high school as me now.. but I thankfully don’t see him often. But I can’t ever be in a room alone with a man anymore, let alone even talk with one or let them touch me. It terrifies me.

.

My 2nd case. It still hurts to this day.
I miss her. So much. It’s been years. I was, again, under or around 10Y, and she was, again, 13Y I think.
I was extremely co-dependant on her. It wasn’t an inappropriate relationship though. She was my only real friend. The only person who treated me well. At school, I was bullied by everyone, even my “friends”. When she left me, that’s when my mental health deteriorated for the first time. Ever since, I’ve never been the same. I began to hurt myself, even as far as heavily considering su!cide at the ripe age of like 11-12, even almost going through it, but backing up last moment.

I’m not sure if my case with her is considered grooming.

I was once coerced by one bitch to vent about my life. Instead of comfort, she said “I don’t know if this will help, but God is here for you..” as if my suffering isn’t inflicted by said God.

I’ve been trying to research more about this out of curiosity for a while, but I’m still too unsure of how to decipher this thought into a singular label. Perhaps I simply don’t know enough about this topic yet, but:

Is there a way to label a relationship with religion where you don't (or don’t want to but can’t help it) believe in Gods, not because you think they don't exist, but because you believe they’re the reason your life is terrible, so therefore you hate them?

Not exactly believing that Gods in general are wholly evil. But rather believing that they protect everyone else but you. That you’re meant to be a sort of vessel of misfortune, that your life is destined to misery - because the Gods (or singular God) wanted to spare everyone else of the pain that you’re currently experiencing.
That all the misfortune that you go through was meant for someone else- but they didn’t want to put that other person through the pain of experiencing it. Therefore, you have to be strong enough to carry it for them.

It, in a way, it also makes you believe that the Gods cherish you (and that you are superior to others), because they have gifted you the strength to somehow push through all these challenges.

It does also closely connect to a Martyr complex, but that’s not exactly what I’m looking for.