u/Little_Pigeon_343

After every social event, my partner will pull me aside and list out how I’ve acted incorrectly. He will tell me situations when I’ve been rude, and how I have acted inappropriately towards friends or family.

He does this because he wants me to improve, but it’s causing me to spiral and isolate myself. I now no longer want to go to social events. I’ve asked him to stop commenting but he still will occasionally mention things.

When I do have to socialise, I tend to no longer speak. Friends asked what was wrong, and have started commenting that I seem miserable.

All of my friends absolutely adore my partner who is loud, energetic and the life of the party.

Before I met my partner, I had a set of friends, and no one really ever seemed offended by me? But maybe I was oblivious?

I don’t really know how to navigate this and am struggling to figure out how to live my life going forwards.

I don’t know how to improve when I have never registered my behaviour as wrong and struggle to comprehend what he tells me? All I can think to do is not talk anymore.

TLDR; partner thinks I act inappropriately, I’ve started isolating myself as I’m horrified I might’ve been offending people without realising. Don’t know how to change.

6 years ago, I was happily solo renting a house in a city which my partner moved into. Two years into him living with me, he wanted us to purchase a larger house that was in a remote location (better value). Being used to living in a city i raised concerns about isolation and lack of public transport, he told me we should give it a go and try and we could move if I didn’t like it so I hesitantly agreed. (He was paying the deposit so I had less say).

I knew almost immediately I was unhappy. A year of trying i told him that I hated it and wanted to move, I was so isolated I felt like a prisoner, the closest shop is 10 miles away. We had people come to stay with us every weekend, so we never had a break and I never get to leave. We looked into moving but my partner didn’t want to pay the early exit fees (£20,000) and told me we had to stay here until the 5 year fixed term mortgage was up.

We’re on year 4/5 and my mental health has got worse and worse. I no longer want to socialise, and I feel no motivation or desire for anything, I spent every day waiting for it to end. I dread his friends and family coming to stay with us, even though I’ve managed to get this happening less frequently than it once was to give me a break. He has become resentful of me, feeling like I should be grateful, appreciate that we have a nice home, and saying I haven’t been happy or appreciative enough, many people are homeless. He is still saying he wants us to move next year and we can move closer to a city, so I can have more freedom again and learn how to be happy again.

I am scared I’m at such a low that moving to a city isn’t going to fix it anymore, I’m so depressed I don’t know who I am anymore. If we move we have to spend even more money and we’re locked in for even longer. What if I’m still not happy or appreciative and he is still resentful of me? I feel such immense guilt already.

The obvious solution seems to leave, but I have been difficult for the past few years, I’ve been depressed to the point I’ve considered not being here, and he has stuck with me through it. We have pets and shared friends and care for each other. I worry I’m going to blow everything up when it could’ve been fixable.

Every exchange is exhausting, it feels like we live in different worlds. Has anyone recovered from this?

Here is an example of basically every conversation in our lives:

Man: do you have the cat?
Woman: no
Man: when did you last see her?
Woman: umm.. when the automatic food dispenser went off
Man: when was that?
Woman: it’s always 11 so let me check my phone.. 12 minutes ago
Man: well why did you say no then?
Woman: what? I don’t have the cat
Man: but you’ve seen her
Woman: that’s not what you asked?
Man: you’re being difficult on purpose
Woman: what? No im not I answered your question
Man: you aren’t giving me clear answers
Woman: I don’t have the cat, I don’t know how “no” could be any more clear?
Man: you know perfectly well I meant do you know where she is and you’re starting an argument on purpose
Woman: no I didn’t? I don’t want an argument and I don’t know how we got here
Man: you’ve done this on purpose and you need to apologise