u/LivInTheTank

224 days clean. I’ve only recently started having really vivid dreams of using again. The weirdest part is that they usually involve my husband or another loved one totally condoning my use and/or giving me drugs. When I first started having nightmares early in my recovery I started taking Unisom here and there to help me get a solid night sleep and quiet the dreams. So now that these terrible dreams have returned I tried the Unisom again not it’s not working like it did 6 months ago. The dreams are intense and disturbing and honestly some nights I’m afraid to go to sleep. When I do get to sleep, I usually wake up anywhere from 1-4 times in a panic, and struggle to get back to sleep again.

So my question is- has anyone else experienced this? Do the dreams ever stop, or do they come and go for the rest of time? Did anything help you get some sleep?

My work situation is admittedly quite cushy. I work from home on a very flexible schedule. There are no ‘working hours’ no requirements to be active on teams all day- I can basically do whatever the hell I want as long as my work gets completed. I am the breadwinner, my husband is a SAHD and he rocks at it, my son is on the verge of his 2nd birthday and I’m constantly grateful for the fact that we all get to be together everyday. I take him to story time at the library, I feed him lunch most days, and can always rearrange my work schedule for a spontaneous trip to the zoo, or play date with his cousins.

With that being said, I did suffer a salary decrease a few months back. My company does a lot of business in the Middle East- so no shock there. Money has been a bit tight but we are able to make it work, because I love my job and the lifestyle it enables me to live so it’s been totally worth, but I am mildly concerned that if things continue this way, layoffs are foreseeable.

Yesterday my boss called me a little flustered as some business deals have been delayed causing a major scheduling conflict for her, and resulting in 2 massive projects launching at the same time in opposite ends of the country- and since she obviously can’t be 2 places at once she wants me to handle one of those projects, requiring me to leave town for a full month. In the past of always communicated that I have a hard 2 week travel limit and they have respected that- but this time they really seem desperate to get me out there for the full 1 month.

Even though she is asking me, I feel like it would be a bad look to turn it down. But I can’t for the life of me imagine being away from my boy for that long- I have terrible anxiety even thinking about it! He’s still so little and so much can change in a month I just really can’t even fathom it. At the same time, I provide for my family so it seems irresponsible to put us in a position where my unwillingness to be flexible on my travel time limit could make me first on the list if layoffs come around.

Bringing my son isn’t an option for obvious childcare reasons, and bringing both my son and husband is a no go as we have 2 elderly dogs at home that need a lot of care. I think I could float the idea of getting 3-4 days off in the middle of the trip so I could come back home and see them for a few days- but that idea doesn’t calm my nerves about this at all.

So what do you all think? Is it worth it? 1 whole
Month of his life I will miss out on. My heart is telling me to say no and that I have a 2 week travel limit they can work with- and if that makes me look whatever way to the C-suite IDGAF -I work to live not the other way around. But I lose my job in 6 months (which could happen whether I go or not) chances are low I find as good of a WFH situation.

124 Days Clean

I’m jealous of people that don’t struggle with addiction- why am I like this?

I’m jealous of neurotypical people-

how do they function?

I’m jealous of those with adhd that can take medication without abusing it-

how do they practice control?

I’m jealous of people who worked hard and achieved- why couldn’t I make it?

I’m jealous of people without financial distress-

why did I go into debt for all this stuff?

I’m jealous. Finding it hard to feel grateful today. Can’t stop wishing I was somebody else, I don’t want to be me.