My ex manager’s wife texted me accusing me of an affair
This is just a sh\*t situation all around and it still makes me want to throw up when I think about it.
I landed a job in a new city that truly felt like everything I had been asking for. The pay was decent, the benefits were decent, the growth potential was decent, the people were decent. I started off as an assistant to a department manager. He was my direct report, so we worked together every day on projects. He would do the more advanced technical things and I would do smaller, more tedious tasks. I didn’t mind it. I knew I had to start small to grow. And I got along really well with my manager. He was super easy to work with, stayed calm under pressure, was a really good collaborator- we just complimented each others strengths well and, with him having more experience as well, he became someone I looked up to. He was a great leader. But his personality was kind of goofy and similar to mine, so work was more fun. We didn’t have any inside jokes or anything, more like we watched some of the same comedy TV shows and would throw out the occasional reference when relevant and have a good laugh about it. We considered each other friends at work, but also knew the very clear boundaries that needed to be maintained. We never had any sort of physical contact (except maybe a high five when we solved a difficult problem? Lol), never contacted each other outside of work hours unless it was work related or an emergency, never spent time together outside of work, never spent personal time one on one.
Some time later, he ended up getting fired from the company because the owner of the company didn’t feel like he was a strong enough leader. Apparently he had made several mistakes that the company owner couldn’t look past. I didn’t agree with the decision, but it wasn’t up to me. We said goodbye and that was the only time I had ever given him a hug. I did text him to let him know about some other sketchy things that were going on within the company after the fact, but again…nothing personal.
Maybe a couple of weeks later, I got a LONG text from his wife, in short, asking if “anything happened between us.” I immediately thought “what the actual f\*ck??” I couldn’t imagine where she could have gotten that idea. Had she ever read our text messages, she would have seen that we only ever talked about work, and the occasional deliberation on whether or not I should quit because I wasn’t being treated well by someone above him (a situation in which he defended me). I told her that I felt like she could just ask him directly instead of going behind his back to text me, which I wasn’t comfortable with. I didn’t want to be involved in someone else’s marital issues. She said he had given her my number and told me she was welcome to text me. So I texted him letting him know his wife reached out to me to make sure he was aware, and he said he was. So I explained everything to her honestly.
I told her we worked closely together because I was initially hired to be his assistant and I looked up to him as a mentor because the life he lives is very much where I hope to be when I’m his age. Married, kids, house, financial stability, no debt, owner of multiple companies, smart with investments, etc. I appreciated how much I was able to learn from him, as he was always willing to teach me things and never belittled me for not knowing something. I told her he was never inappropriate, nor was I. He talked about his wife and kids at work ALL the time, and it was clear that he loved his family. She thanked me for my explanation and we left it at that.
I was immediately crushed. Because I knew, after that kind of accusation, I could never talk to him again. I knew that there can be no friendship after someone’s spouse suspects an affair. Which is what I told him on the phone when he called me several days later to apologize for putting me in an awkward position. And I agreed, because it was really f\*cking awkward and I was genuinely insulted that someone would accuse me of stepping out on my own relationship to try and have an affair with a man who is married with multiple young children. But she doesn’t know me, and there are some really awful people out there in the world. I just didn’t understand where she got the idea in the first place. And his explanation was that, when he would go home and tell her about his day, my name came up too often. (Hello, we work directly with each other). And I guess she started to get suspicious. I don’t know. I apologized to him for any part I may have played in causing turmoil in his marriage and thanked him for everything he had taught me. After that phone call, I cried.
I spent over a year working with this person, forming a genuine friendship. He had met my boyfriend and even gave him advice and guidance as well. There were conversations about future opportunities to work together outside of that current job, which I was really excited about because, as mentioned earlier, I was not being treated well by someone higher within the company. But he talked about working with multiple other people in our company in the future, not just me. We had a smaller office so we were all friends with each other. Office doors stayed open all day so we could go in and out and talk/ask questions when needed. We all agreed that we couldn’t stay working for that company for long, and many of us agreed we could get together on our own venture.
It just sucks. I lost a really good friend and mentor. And, as someone who has worked so hard to gain more experience in my field and work my way up, I’m also losing opportunities to work with him in the future in already successful projects. With other layoffs, I have no other allies at my job. I’m stuck working where I’m not treated as well as I should be. But there aren’t any other job opportunities that can give me the salary I have here- assuming I can even make it to an interview in this job market. But this situation as a whole has me feeling disheartened. I was so optimistic and excited for the future, and so thankful that I had a manager that I worked so well with. It makes me feel like I need to walk on eggshells with male coworkers. But if the group setting is all friendly and joking around and treating each other like friends, how do you know when a boundary is being crossed? The culture of the office was the same between everyone. We all made jokes and small talk with each other. But this shifts my entire perspective, and now I’m hyper-analyzing everything and feeling really insecure and embarrassed.