I (36f) told my ex husband (41 m) that my mom doesn’t want to go to my son’s birthday party because she doesn’t like his new gf (25f).
TLDR: Having a hard time accepting new gf and my mom now won’t be around her. I want to mend all the relationships, but don’t know how to.
Reddit told me to post here too, I’m getting a lot of comments on /relationshipadvice that it’s weird/unhealthy my ex husband and I maintained a friendship and spent holidays together until very recently. Would like blended family perspectives.
I have had a rocky relationship with my ex husband since he started dating a girl about 9 months ago because he spends less time with our son. Before this gf we got along great, spent every holiday together since our divorce 6 years ago with my parents and his mom and my new partner of 4 years, and had all our family traditions the last 13 years all turned upside down because of this new gf not wanting him to spend anytime with me. For reference, I am not at all a threat, but when I was 24 and dating the same man, I also was insecure and jealous, lol. I liked his last gf, who was around his age, with 3 of her own children, also was divorced and lots of life experience, as us middle aged folks tend to have. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out long term. Anyways, in January he stopped coming to all our family functions and that broke mine, our kids, and my parents’ heart. He missed my parents birthdays and Easter the first time in 13 years.
Anyways, I realize the only thing I can control is me and my behavior so I’m trying REALLY hard to like this girl, find common ground, and accept her- and I need advice on how to get over some mental block obstacles. So I invited her to my 15 year old daughter’s birthday dinner think that would help. My daughter was upset with me and said “she’s weird and Dads weird around her,” (he’s her step dad and he spends a lot less time with her now too, so she’s hurt). Trying to allow room for feelings. This was the first time my mom met gf, and I was hopeful this could be a bridge to ex husband rejoining us for holidays again. I thought if she got to know us, things would get better and I’d be able to “humanize” her more and be kinder in my head about my issues. My ex was shocked- an olive branch. I was so trying to make things better between all of us and it seems like I’m making it worse and can use advise on what not to do. Like do I just accept that my family is torn apart and my kids won’t get to spend time with both their parents anymore? I know our arrangement is abnormal to lots of folks.
Long story short after the dinner my effort to fix things, my mom \*\*really\*\* doesn’t like the gf. She ranted a lot and said she didn’t want to be around her again, that she ruined the party (I think that’s a bit of a dramatization), but it was indeed awkward for the rest of us. Even my MIL didn’t get a word in. I defended gf and tried to convince my mom she’s not that bad (I was lying to myself but mind over matter, right? I’m working on mindfulness lol).
Fast forward a month and it’s my son’s birthday. My mom is stoked to celebrate with us, texting about it for weeks about the perfect gift she had express shipped to get there for his dinner…and then she asks if gf will be there and I admit that I wasn’t told specifically, but I assumed so. The next thing I know she’s not coming last minute. Like an hour before she cancels. I think an important side note is that in between these two dinners, my ex lied to me all in an effort to take my son to his gfs dads house on Fathers Day instead of taking him to my dads house like we have always done. My dad was hurt and my mom furious. My ex doesn’t have a dad in his life and my dad IS his dad as calls him son, and they talk on the regular (albeit a lot less recently since gf). We are having a “friend party” for my son over the weekend and I invited my mom to that and she refused to come. I said me and ex can come this weekend with kids to their house without the gf and she only wants to visit when my ex is not there…
So I drafted a calm, non accusatory (as possible) text explaining why my mom is not coming, the specific issues she (and I and others) have with gf and her behavior and asked to please have a convo with gf that there are boundaries that we have in place that she needs to follow- that at this party she is a guest, not a host, not a parent. At his dinner she made my son stop taking a bite of his cake so she could flip the cake around and get a “perfect” picture when me and his dad already had pictures covered. This was after she did not greet me or my daughter, did not speak to me or even look at me for about 20 minutes when I got fed up being uncomfortable and smiled and nicely asked engaging questions it would be very clear she wasn’t answering. Do I just accept the silent treatment? I can admit my faults in this situation, but my father’s child and I always put on a face, be cordial and pleasant when the kids are around. The silent treatment in front of my children hinders me to access being empathetic and understanding and I’m looking for tips if that’s what I should do. But is this thinking not helpful? I do not accept lying and before her, by ex never lied to me. I point out when he lies, and I admit I get heated. Is letting it go or confronting it a better way? Then again, she snaps at waitresses, so I’m not the only one that display being upset. My new therapist told me to talk shit in my head and then go home and rant to my partner, she said if I didn’t I’d explode….and I feel close to that. My old mental health practitioner and I focused on being non judgmental and understanding and always choosing kindness….and I feel like I can’t right now. Please help