I have big dreams and almost no money.
I am a 23f year old tattoo artist that has worked extremely hard for my career. I spent years earning next to nothing and sofa surfing so that I could have my dream job, and made every sacrifice along the way. I sacrificed friends, experiences, family, relationships. You name it. Every single thing that a teenager/young adult should have experienced, I missed. It never bothered me. But the regret and all of the realisations are really sinking in now. I’ve wasted my prime years on a career that is taking more than it’s giving back. I rent a sh!tty house full of damp, I see my family twice a year, I work in a busy shop that demands I work 6 days a week, yet I still can’t afford to move up in the world. I have huge dreams, my passion for art is huge. I want to own/rent my own shop, make it something really special, a place where people feel welcome and at home. I want to own a house. I want to drive goddamit. But I can’t do any of this. I want to give up. I feel like a failure for not having accomplished any of the goals I set out to. My family were extremely poor and I really thought I could break the cycle. But I can’t. I think what bothers me the most, not to sound like a brat, is that i was forced to move out of my parents home at 14 because my mum had another child and there wasn’t room for me anymore. Moving out was hard, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But it was safer, and it was less scary than having to hide from my parents when they were angry and hostile and looking back, extremely abusive. But after I moved out, they seemed to become the best parents in the world to my siblings. And I know this seems random (trust me I’m getting to my point haha) but (without telling anybody, or maybe just me idk) they came into a LOT of money a few years back, I only found out today. And since then, they have paid for my sisters car, started up her business for her, upgraded all of their own gadgets and whatnot. I didn’t know about all of this until today as my sister mentioned something and was shocked I didn’t know. This has really been upsetting me because I remember crying to my mum a year ago about how I wanted to end my life because of my debt and my financial failures. She barely even offered emotional support nevermind help me out at all. I am a firm believer that her money is her money, I wouldn’t ever expect her to spend anything on me. But she never has, I have struggled my whole life. I had to pretend to forget my food money in school because she wouldn’t even feed us or give us a packed lunch, and I find out she’s giving her niece a £8000 wedding payment so that she can have her dream wedding, meanwhile I’m £6000 in debt. I always knew I was on my own in life, and I wanted to make something of myself because of that. But I think Im more disappointed in myself because this life I imagined for myself is not what i had in mind. I didn’t think I’d be searching the bargain bin in charity shops for a pair of shoes, or ‘forgetting’ to scan milk in the shop self checkouts. I want to die, I’m so exhausted. I always hoped to god that luck would be on my side, that someone out there would see me struggling and help me. Maybe after looking after myself my whole life, I’m begging for someone to take the wheel. any advice?