u/LogOk379

TW: purging

i am probably going to tell my therapist about my behaviors. my friends i have recently told are very worried and I’ve been told i need help because i wont help myself.

( for background i had restrict binge cycle for like 3 years, and the past few months i started restricting and taking even more actions )
i learned to purge a month ish ago, it started off random, sometimes twice a day, sometimes once, sometimes not at all for three days straight. but i recently tried to recover and it got worse, now i cant eat without purging. i now purge at least once a day, i usually eat a fiber one brownie in morning telling myself i will actually eat it but then i throw it up because i need to, or so it feels. maybe ill wait a bit more later and purge. or ill be scared and not eat at all because i know ill need to purge. to get to the point i now purge 1-4 times a day and i usually start off my day with the first one. i don’t want to stop but i also feel so horrible physically, my head hurts so bad and my heart feels like its taking too much. i want a future and to be alive but i cant eat without purging a tiny bit of it at least. it doesn’t even have to be the same color, just getting some stuff can ease my mind. other times it has to be everything.

everything is so foggy i don’t remember much about this past month and my behaviors and when and how much i purged but this is what i can put together. i feel like I’m slipping away from reality

i am nervous and don’t want to be inpatient, i want to play my games and my hobbies and especially see my best friend, i haven’t been purging that long so id doubt they would need an intervention, i haven’t lost any weight, and i don’t feel sick enough

16 (F), I’ve had a bad relationship with food for at least 3 years. I never did anything insane it was mainly thoughts, I would try restricting then end up binging and that would repeat over and over making me maintain my weight, I never told anyone because it’s embarrassing I couldn’t even diet. but about two months ago i started restricting more and doing a lot more actions and I started getting dedicated, but one day I binged and and learned how to purge via vomit, since then I slowly started doing it more. I don’t even think about my body now, just how I cant eat without the overwhelming need to vomit. I feel like I cant eat without vomiting, in just 4 weeks it went from 1-2 times a weeks to a few times a day. yesterday I managed to not vomit all day because I tried really hard. but before I slept I purposely ate cereal to vomit, my day didn’t feel complete without it, I feel so gross if I don’t get rid of at least some of the food.

I only learned to purge a month ago, so i feel like i’m not sick enough. I haven’t lost any weight that i can tell. I was thinking waiting another month before telling my therapist because I don’t know if i’m ready yet or sick enough.