u/Logical_Support1972

I was F20 at the time of this story. I’m now 21. This happened about a year ago. Last May, I found out on accident that someone I was seeing and had recently broken up with had pretty serious criminal sexual assault charges that are currently (still!) in court (25M, then 24). This news obviously devastated me. It made me reflect on abusive behaviors present in our relationship. We shared a huge circle of friends at the time.

My mom was aware of our relationship, but not of the abusive aspects. Can’t fault her for telling me not to leave. She did NOT know this man. They have never met. We were never married! Nothing that would make her form some close personal bond with him. However, when I told her about what I discovered and told her that I wanted people around us to know (for their safety), she lost her shit. She told me that I’m playing arbitrator in something that has nothing to do with me, to keep this to myself, that people will turn on me and side with him, etc. Super condescending shit, basically accusing me of wanting to capitalize off my ex and start up drama.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t do it! I only told people much later. We did get back together for some months, under very coercive circumstances. After it was over for good, I told a couple people we knew so he wouldn’t go on a trip (TO THE WOODS!) with us. I didn’t reveal the information to anyone more than I had to. Around the same time, I was going to file a restraining order against my ex. I had a pretty good basis for it, according to the police officer I spoke to. The report was written. All I had to do was come back to the station and sign off on it. I told the officer I needed a weekend to think. This is where I called my mom to make her aware of the situation and finally disclose the abusive relationship I was in. Her reaction to it was partially normal, as in she didn’t blame me for it happening or say he was in the right.

However, she told me not to file. I plan to apply to law school. She swore to me up and down that this will hang over my head forever, affect applications, what have you. She told me that protective orders don’t work (kinda true, as officers do ignore them at times). She told me that this is an overreaction and I should drop the whole situation and let him go. That these orders and offices and even sexual assault support groups aren’t things or places that truly care about you, they’re just there to gather statistics. Absolutely insane shit to say to someone in that position! And guess what? I never came back to that office. In my mind at the time, my “future” was more important. It doesn’t make much of a difference now, since that order would’ve only lasted six months, and I had no desire to get a permanent one and face him in court. My ex never attempted anything. But holy fuck am I retroactively shocked by my mother’s reaction. Why could she have possibly done that? She never knew this man! She told me I was right to end things the first time, as he was emotionally inconsistent among other things. What gives?

Are the consequences of having a restraining order filed that she described real? Was she trying to protect me and I’m insanely overreacting? Was she trying to shield me from people around us not believing me?

I’m not even sure if this is some cultural shame/internalized misogyny or if it does have to do with her personally. I just can’t see another reason for blatantly putting your child in harms way like this. This man was a chronic boundary-crosser with two pending sexual assault charges. Obviously unpredictable, and anything COULD have happened. Still boggles my mind why she would have done that. Even toxic people do anything to keep the people they want to emotionally drain around them. Surely, had my ex made one wrong decision, thanks to my mother, I would not have been around for long. What POSSIBLY could have been her motivation here?

I was F20 at the time of this story. I’m now 21. This happened about a year ago. Last May, I found out on accident that someone I was seeing and had recently broken up with had pretty serious criminal sexual assault charges that are currently (still!) in court (25M, then 24). This news obviously devastated me. It made me reflect on abusive behaviors present in our relationship. We shared a huge circle of friends at the time.

My mom was aware of our relationship, but not of the abusive aspects. Can’t fault her for telling me not to leave. She did NOT know this man. They have never met. We were never married! Nothing that would make her form some close personal bond with him. However, when I told her about what I discovered and told her that I wanted people around us to know (for their safety), she lost her shit. She told me that I’m playing arbitrator in something that has nothing to do with me, to keep this to myself, that people will turn on me and side with him, etc. Super condescending shit, basically accusing me of wanting to capitalize off my ex and start up drama.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t do it! I only told people much later. We did get back together for some months, under very coercive circumstances. After it was over for good, I told a couple people we knew so he wouldn’t go on a trip (TO THE WOODS!) with us. I didn’t reveal the information to anyone more than I had to. Around the same time, I was going to file a restraining order against my ex. I had a pretty good basis for it, according to the police officer I spoke to. The report was written. All I had to do was come back to the station and sign off on it. I told the officer I needed a weekend to think. This is where I called my mom to make her aware of the situation and finally disclose the abusive relationship I was in. Her reaction to it was partially normal, as in she didn’t blame me for it happening or say he was in the right.

However, she told me not to file. I plan to apply to law school. She swore to me up and down that this will hang over my head forever, affect applications, what have you. She told me that protective orders don’t work (kinda true, as officers do ignore them at times). She told me that this is an overreaction and I should drop the whole situation and let him go. That these orders and offices and even sexual assault support groups aren’t things or places that truly care about you, they’re just there to gather statistics. Absolutely insane shit to say to someone in that position! And guess what? I never came back to that office. In my mind at the time, my “future” was more important. It doesn’t make much of a difference now, since that order would’ve only lasted six months, and I had no desire to get a permanent one and face him in court. My ex never attempted anything. But holy fuck am I retroactively shocked by my mother’s reaction. Why could she have possibly done that? She never knew this man! She told me I was right to end things the first time, as he was emotionally inconsistent among other things. What gives?

I’m not even sure if this is some cultural shame/internalized misogyny or if it does have to do with her personally. I just can’t see another reason for blatantly putting your child in harms way like this. This man was a chronic boundary-crosser with two pending sexual assault charges. Obviously unpredictable, and anything COULD have happened. Still boggles my mind why she would have done that. Even toxic people do anything to keep the people they want to emotionally drain around them. Surely, had my ex made one wrong decision, thanks to my mother, I would not have been around for long. What POSSIBLY could have been her motivation here?