u/Lord-o-llamas

Hello all! I will be starting my WHW experience on September 9th, and I'm going to do it in a leisurely 9 days. I have never done such a long hike, most has been a 2 nighter, though I am not an inexperienced hiker overall. I have made the following checklist for my trip, and would love if I could get some feedback on its appropriateness. Bear in mind I have neither the budget nor the interest to do a "ultralight" backpack, but I do want to cut unnecessary weight if possible. I packed everything in and it clocked at a little over 10kg. I'm mostly worried about clothes overkill; I tend to get hot very quickly, so I'm wondering if a puff jacket might be too much for this time of year. The items with question marks I'm not sure I need.

SLEEPING

• Tent
• Sleeping bag
• Sleeping pad (+ inflating bag)
• Pillow

GEAR

• General kit (knife, rope, repair tape, etc.)
• Small cooking kit (+ lighter)
• Spork
• Gas canister (BUY THERE!)
• Drybag for gear
• Battery charger
• Wall charger + cable
• Water filter
• Paper map?
• Headlamp
• Notebook + pen
• Kindle
• Sunglasses
• Earbuds

CLOTHES

• Base layer
• Mid layer
• Top layer (fleece? Forclaz MT100? Overkill?)
• 2 T-Shirts
• 1 Long trousers
• 1 Short trousers
• 3 Pairs Merino Socks
• 3 Underwear
• Buff
• Flip-flops
• Poncho/Rain jacket
• Waterproof pants
• Trailrunner shoes
• Microfiber towel
• Gaiters?
• Suncap?

FIRST AID KIT

• Compeed
• Smidge (or other repellent like Lifesystems)
• Duct tape
• Paracetamol / Ibuprofen
• Aspirin
• Migraine pills
• Band-aids
• Sleeping pad/tent repair patches
• Alcohol wipes
• Multitool
• Survival blanket
• Nasal spray

TOILETRIES

• Toothbrush + toothpaste
• Deodorant
• Toilet paper
• Trowel
• Hand sanitizer

So, I was a with my (35M) partner (35F) for 17 years. If you do the math, you can see that's half a life together, and ALL of my adult life together, building something together.

Starting a few years ago, I have been feeling increasingly suffocated in the relationship. Not because of her, that she's overbearing or authoritative, simply that as time passed it became painfully aware that we had vast incompatibilities and I felt totally trapped in the relationship, feeling like I had no agency in my life and that I was living according to a set of values I had not decided on myself, but which I had simply accepted on default. Basically I was on cruise control in my life, and it led me to feel like I had no control over it. I start going to therapy, I start to become more aware of it all and I try to take control of my life. I start to question if I'm even made for a couple's life, if the value that I really held were compatible with being in a committed, long-term relationship that is stepping into heavy adult decisions like buying a house, getting married, having kids, etc. All of which scare the crap out of me and I do not wish to do, but my partner does.

Last may I bring this up to my partner, with whom I've always had great communication, and she says she has also noticed it in me and is sad about it. We decide, with many tears and hardship, to "take a break" between August and October, see what it means for me to live alone (I've never done it), and try to observe if this helps me clarify my confusion. Her whole world is falling to pieces, that life she had built with me all being questioned, and it breaks my heart as well as hers. She does not feel trapped or negatively about our relationship at all, so this is strictly a one-sided thing.

Here is where the real shit-storm comes. I meet someone else. I wasn't looking, I just met her through a work thing, we talk, we seem to connect, nothing explicit, but you can tell. I start having thoughts about her that go beyond mere friendship, she seems to have them too, though nobody has said anything. I feel like I've already ruined it by having an emotional affair. Last night I have this horrible wave of pain and anxiety wash over me out of the blue, and it becomes clear I need to end things with current partner, not because I want to be with the other person instead, but because of all that I've mentioned before and which has been happening since the beginning. Instead of waiting until August for the break, we say goodbye today, a couple hours ago. I am in shambles, crying and she is too. I have demolished this poor woman's life out of my own selfishness. I am now alone at home and it feels so bad, it hurts so much... It's hard to put into words: I still love her so much, but at the same time I feel like I want/need to be alone, like my life is not compatible with a relationship.

HOWEVER, in a moment of weakness, I confess my feelings to this other girl, and she says she also has them... What the fuck have I done?! I have no idea what I was thinking, I don't know what to do. The goodbye with my partner was awful, and now I am talking romantically to someone else??? When the entire issue was to try to experience being single???

On top of that, I have learned in the past few days that this other girl has some deep trauma regarding trust due to past experiences with abusive boyfriends. So the fact that she admitted these feelings towards me was a huge and scary moment for her, I know, and I fear that if I tell her what's going on right now, she's going to see this as confirmation that she was right and she shouldn't have trusted me. I really like her, and I want the best for her and I want her to be happy and be able to trust. And yet, within hours of us basically establishing that we wanted something more, of having her be vulnerable with me, I start to doubt if I am in fact good for her, or if I am setting myself up for failure.

I understand I have fucked up, I have involved two people into my identity crisis, and now I am on track to hurt them both and it is killing me. I don't look for pity or understanding either, but I don't know how to move onwards. I am a nervous wreck and I do not know how to keep going in my day to day right now.

I recently met this woman who I became immediately infatuated with. It was an intellectual thing, not sexual. Nothing happened, we didn't even flirt, but we seemed to connect on a human level.

I've been in a relationship for 18 years (which accounts for more than half of my life, since I'm 35). I think my feelings haven't changed for my SO, but now I have this other woman in my head. She doesn't know anything but I feel she might like me back (although this could be the limerence talking?), meaning if I were to make a move she may reciprocate, but maybe not. That's part of limerence, isn't it? The uncertainty and the fantasy?

I also feel like I have SOME of the limerence effects, but not others. For example, I still feel love for my gf, and can function with her, it's just I can't stop thinking about the LO; I don't feel I love this other woman, I am aware it is mostly pscyhological, my infatuation with her is intellectual more than emotional, but I still want to be close to her; I am not obsessively looking at social media nor do I feel like my mood depends on the way she interacts with me, which incidentally is not that much because we talk on whatsapp a couple times a week and that's it. She is not leading me on, nor is she rejecting, because there is nothing to reject, I haven't confessed anything to her, not even flirted, but I feel like I'm having an emotional affair because of how I think about her. However much I can rationalize not throwing away 18 years of relationship, there's a scary part of me that wants to try and see what happens.

Truth is, the LTR has difficulties and strains and through this LE I feel it has brought up pent up emotions and tensions, and I wonder whether these are simply a consequence of the LE or if they are really latent issues that are weaking the LTR.

Anyways, I was wondering if I should tell the LO about this. On the one side, if she said she was not attracted to me that way, it would make it SO much easier to just move on. Remove the uncertainty. However, if she said she is into me, then that would be a problem and perhaps make matters worse, but uncertainty would also be removed, and perhaps the LE would go away?

EDIT: I should point out that I've been limerent in the past (even though I didn't know the term), and in every case where I found out she wasn't into me or that the romantic involvement was impossible, it did in fact help me overcome the limerence.