u/LostSoul847

So I posted very recently about having to wait 4 more years before starting HRT because of very unsupportive parents. I'm currently 19, and won't be able to wait 4 years, I'm certain of that. Puberty was sort of kind on me but I don't want to push my luck too far and just the idea of masculinizing during the next 4 years makes me want to end myself. People on my previous post told me I can get access to HRT on my own and I already have my answers so this post is not about that.

I think I'm going to start in a few weeks, but as I've explained in my previous post, parents are very transphobic and anti-lgbt. I've came out 2 times to them and I've been put through therapy to try to fix my feelings and stop being trans when I was a teenage but it didn't work. However I had to convince them that it did as I overheard my my dad saying he won't have a *slur for homosexual* in his home. Ever since I've come out they are very vigilant about me not showing any signs of femininity. I am not allowed to grow my hair or wear anything remotely feminine in their presence. I'm currently in college and I have some money from work during summer but I can't live by myself so I will have to live with them for a couple of years at least.

Before informing myself on the topic I thought HRT only prevented further masculinization. I had no idea it could feminize you even after puberty. I have a pretty androgynous physique right now and I take care of myself a lot but I'm starting to be terrified at the prospect of my parents finding out something if they see me change. I don't really know what to expect from HRT, but any tips to hide the potential changes while I live with them would be welcomed ? Thank you.

EDIT : I don't understand why people are downvoting my post... Maybe it's not the right sub for this question but I do feel that it is given the name and description of the sub. What is wrong with asking for tips ? Maybe it's because I haven't transitioned yet, but I have to start somewhere ??

This is my first post. I've always known I should have been a born a girl. I first told my parents about these feeling when I was 6. Parents were very clear since the start, I am a boy and I have to accept it. They were furious at first, yelled at me and said to never mentioned this ever again. But the feeling never left... Every day of my life I cannot shake these thoughts. I am a man now, 19 years old, and the thoughts are still here. This is torture, for some unknown reason despite clearly being man my entire mind is convinced I should be girl and a mistake was made.. It doesn't make any sense and my rational self knows I'm a man yet I cannot help but feel that I'm a woman when I close my eyes. Why ? Why me ? Why this curse ?

At 15 I couldn't hold it anymore so I expressed it again to my parents. This time parents got very mad and forced me into therapy to try to fix me. I've done countless sessions till I was 17, did not work (I wish so much that it could have worked). I had to convince my parents that I was fixed now because I overheard my dad say I'd better stop with my "delusions" quick because he won't have a *slur for homosexual* living in his home. I think I lost my dad's love this day. He hates me for not being a strong man like him. For starter I'm short, thin and weak and the fact that I expressed those thoughts disappointed even more. So now I cannot even share anything to anyone. I don't even know why I'm writing this.. there's no hope at 19. My mom said "you need a nice girlfriend" well I had several opportunities but the thought of having sex or being considered a man in the relationship is so unappealing to me that I keep breaking up with girls. I have hobbies but I'm so dissociated all the time that I find it hard to enjoy anything. I don't think I can make it through college so I will try to end it as soon as possible, I have plans, hopefully I won't mess it up. There is no solution anyways, I've tried everything. God.. I wish so hard I was a normal man.. I just wanted to be normal, make my dad proud of me. Can't live a normal life when I'm constantly tormented like this. This is crazy that out of all the mental issues, we have not found a treatment in 2026 to get rid of the thoughts and live a normal life. I just hope that I'll find at least one person on this sub that found a way to get rid of the thoughts and was able to life as a normal guy.