u/Lovende_Idk

For background, i am 17M and my girlfriend 18F has been dating for a a year now. Yes we are young which is why i intend to still be hers till we graduate and after this, i don't know if i can.

I am a very reactive, anxious, easy to react, often lashing out type of person. Although I have been trying to change, it's still hard and often it feels like I haven't changed at all.

Today, me and my girlfriend got into a disagreement, or a fight if you will— For context, It started when i woke up from my sleep after i came from school, i was really worried that she wasn't online because often she's always on when i wake up after my nap/sleep. When she finally did reply, i expressed my concern and worry towards her, but she was so happy that she had failed to notice my genuine concern and accidentally dismissed it with cheerfulness. But she did apologize after, after i expressed my displeasure with what she did and we resolved at that

And then a bit later, we said we'd play after my chores. I finish my chores then, i joined her. What i didn't expect was there was two other players with us was something i didn't expect, i grew uncomfortable because i don't handle well in more than one on one conversations/bonding. My game wasn't responding by luck so i used that as an excuse to leave, i did eventually say that i would like to be informed about that next time.

This part is where everything became a but complicated, she said that it was okay and she understands. I was very irrational and my emotions were really everywhere at that time, i took that as a attack, as dismissiveness even though it isn't. I end up crying over that thought, thinking that it's my fault and that i shouldn't have said anything and took back my words of wanting to be informed when there's other people joining us. She went along with my decision and said "okay, yes sure". I think that my brain took that really badly because i started to think she really really hates me. She doesn't she loves me a lot.

As i drowned in my thoughts of self hate and such, i said some really unsavoury words towards her. I said that I hated her, that i wish i would distant myself from her and that she distance herself from me to spare her the feeling of hate from me.

She expressed that, she just wanted to have a chill day, a day without worry. I felt guilty immediately after I sent that message.

I want to apologize to her, for saying all of those hurtful things to her. But I know it won't be easy at ALL. I really want to apologize to her, i really am sorry. I've done this a dozen times, i lash out then immediately regret it, I've been trying to suppress it but it just bursts out. I truly am sorry for how i have acted. This really could've just been resolved easily.

I don't want to leave her, I still want us to be together. If she doesn't want to be with me anymore after that, then it's fine i understand I have my issues that are complicated to handle for other people.

But i just really REALLY want to apologize to her. I don't want to lose her at all.

I am a very reactive, anxious, easy to react, often lashing out type of person. Although I have been trying to change, it's still hard and often it feels like I haven't changed at all.

Today, me and my girlfriend got into a disagreement, or a fight if you will— For context, It started when i woke up from my sleep after i came from school, i was really worried that she wasn't online because often she's always on when i wake up after my nap/sleep. When she finally did reply, i expressed my concern and worry towards her, but she was so happy that she had failed to notice my genuine concern and accidentally dismissed it with cheerfulness. But she did apologize after, after i expressed my displeasure with what she did and we resolved at that

And then a bit later, we said we'd play after my chores. I finish my chores then, i joined her. What i didn't expect was there was two other players with us was something i didn't expect, i grew uncomfortable because i don't handle well in more than one on one conversations/bonding. My game wasn't responding by luck so i used that as an excuse to leave, i did eventually say that i would like to be informed about that next time.

This part is where everything became a but complicated, she said that it was okay and she understands. I was very irrational and my emotions were really everywhere at that time, i took that as a attack, as dismissiveness even though it isn't. I end up crying over that thought, thinking that it's my fault and that i shouldn't have said anything and took back my words of wanting to be informed when there's other people joining us. She went along with my decision and said "okay, yes sure". I think that my brain took that really badly because i started to think she really really hates me. She doesn't she loves me a lot.

As i drowned in my thoughts of self hate and such, i said some really unsavoury words towards her. I said that I hated her, that i wish i would distant myself from her and that she distance herself from me to spare her the feeling of hate from me.

She expressed that, she just wanted to have a chill day, a day without worry. I felt guilty immediately after I sent that message.

I want to apologize to her, for saying all of those hurtful things to her. But I know it won't be easy at ALL. I really want to apologize to her, i really am sorry. I've done this a dozen times, i lash out then immediately regret it, I've been trying to suppress it but it just bursts out. I truly am sorry for how i have acted. This really could've just been resolved easily.

I don't want to leave her, I still want us to be together. If she doesn't want to be with me anymore after that, then it's fine i understand I have my issues that are complicated to handle for other people.

But i just really REALLY want to apologize to her. I don't want to lose her at all.