u/Low-Drawer-6887

Perhaps I have stuff that I haven't uncovered.

I think I'm just looking for validation that what I went through was, in fact, repeatable, inescapable, and extremely fucked up?

CW: Slight physical abuse, neglect, religious trauma

I was raised under the Dr James Dobson/Focus on the Family flavour of parenting and Christianity. Some of those things included spanking a kid until they stopped crying to "break their will". But it was just spanking. I wasn't physically hit in any other way.

My parents started me on dieting that I remember when I was 7 but probably before that. I am autistic and have pretty severe OCD. When I was really upset I would be told to go to my room to calm down (not comforted).

I was homeschooled with Christian nationalist/fundamentalist beliefs and denied a lot of real education but was also a gifted kid. I started reading at age 3 and graduated high school at 14 (had to do two more years of online university courses before attending irl university at 16).

My grandmother is something else. I still dont feel like I can even speak in front of her. I have suspicions about "worse" trauma involving her, but at the very least I never felt safe with her.

Does something worse need to have happened to make all of this result in a dissociative disorder?

I was in an abusive marriage which seemed to bring the parts back online but I remember dissociating from a very early age and can recognize some of the parts from age.. maybe 8 to 9 on?

(currently in process of diagnosis, therapist has confirmed something on the dissociative spectrum is happening and that she's met more than one version of me)

I know system discovery is extremely distressing for a lot of people. For me it has felt more like stretching after a long nap to finally be able to name my experience.

Sensory flashbacks have been distressing for years, and I knew there were "other me's" for.. probably almost a decade, but I only read about DID for the first time last year and really started diving into system discovery. But it more felt like just.. asking names for the trains of thought that I thought were ADHD?

Even things that *should* feel scary to my anxiety ridden OCD having self are like.. fine? For instance, my little alter having conversations with my girlfriend that I don't remember. I think it's cute (and we've discussed consent when I'm in my current adult state) and I'm glad she's finally getting what she needs.

To be clear, I do have significant trauma, I am definitely not saying that this is endogenic or anything like that.

I think I just.. I've maintained my level of trauma knowledge so far? I haven't met any of the alters that carry the big scary trauma that is lurking in the distance? I know it's there but I haven't recovered anything new yet.

My brain is using this as evidence that having a system is false and that I'm making everything up. 😂 But it does that with everything so.. I don't know.

(currently in process of diagnosis, therapist has confirmed something on the dissociative spectrum is happening and that she's met more than one version of me)

I know system discovery is extremely distressing for a lot of people. For me it has felt more like stretching after a long nap to finally be able to name my experience.

Sensory flashbacks have been distressing for years, and I knew there were "other me's" for.. probably almost a decade, but I only read about DID for the first time last year and really started diving into system discovery. But it more felt like just.. asking names for the trains of thought that I thought were ADHD?

Even things that should feel scary to my anxiety ridden OCD having self are like.. fine? For instance, my little alter having conversations with my girlfriend that I don't remember. I think it's cute (and we've discussed consent when I'm in my current adult state) and I'm glad she's finally getting what she needs.

To be clear, I do have significant trauma, I am definitely not saying that this is endogenic or anything like that.

I think I just.. I've maintained my level of trauma knowledge so far? I haven't met any of the alters that carry the big scary trauma that is lurking in the distance? I know it's there but I haven't recovered anything new yet.

My brain is using this as evidence that having a system is false and that I'm making everything up. 😂 But it does that with everything so.. I don't know.

I (Rach, host) feel so silly even bringing up other parts as if they are real, that I think it's preventing me from getting the right therapy. I got my girlfriend to go to therapy with me and describe what she's seeing day to day in terms of dissociation and switching (which was more than I thought honestly). And that helped me a bit, because it's someone else observing it. My therapist also let me know she's been clocking this for like 5 years and suspected. But I still imagine bringing like alters 3-7 to therapy and it just feels embarassing and ridiculous and like I'm making everything up.

Myself and my little alter (who I used to think was just a kink-community little, and who is now very clearly her own state with her own memories/vocabulary/motor skills, etc) are the two who I've actively brought to therapy, and one other part has shown up but I'm not sure who (or if I even know about them).

Bringing my little self to therapy was hard but I managed because SHE doesn't struggle with the shame and such. She was just stoked to be in a cozy room with a stuffie and my therapists golden retriever. But all of the other parts are teenagers and adults and it's just AWKWARD. But like to the point of embarrassment and hiding.

How did you all overcome this, if you also felt this way?

Hi all!

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I am newly discovering system stuff, in progress of maybe an OSDD or PDID diagnosis with my therapist. Just figuring it out. Diagnosed with CPTSD, OCD, and a history of dissociation at this point.

I was wondering if anyone else has smell flashbacks? Like, not triggers from a real life smell, but a REALLY strong memory of a smell? (Not quite a hallucination, but verging on it.). It feels similar to how my parts voices feel "other" but still "internal".

I had severe vision loss as a kid (20/400 vision in one eye, patching the other) so I don't have very much visual memory and a lot of other sensory inputs, particularly smell and sound, are much stronger for me.

To be clear, not seeking validation/questioning of my diagnosis or anything. Just interested in how others experience sensory flashbacks, and whether there's a specific name for this.

Thanks!

Rach