u/Low-Olive4820

feedback appreciated :D

I'm a 24 year old man. I think it's fair for me to say that I've seen a fair bit of life, I've had days in my life where my family couldn't afford meals and starve, to flying to US on my own, life was quite a journey. we were 3 siblings, and I was the elder son after my sister. We never had the privilege to have our own house. For my father though, we were never a priority, all he knew was poker/gambling. he never knew which school we attended or what we studied, my mom on the other hand did everything she could, borrowing money from friends/well wishers and stuff, my grandma too, most of our education was taken care by my grandma and mom on loans that parts of it are still unpaid to this day.

I had many insecurities growing up, financial status, background, cast, relatives, had hard time making friends because later on my life I attended good schools and colleges filled with wealthy people & I thought it'll only make it worse if I open up to them. All these experiences were pretty rough, while many stories use these instances as the pillars of motivation, I find it quite hard to live with. Lockdown had a pretty bad influence on my mental health, I got attracted to philosophy, I went deep into topics like Nihilism, Existentialism, I idolized people like Diogenes, Albert Camus, Friedrich Nietzsche and many. It was very comforting in the beginning, I felt like I found my niche, my people. given that I already had a bad mental health situation, I began feeding all those negative emotions, I became very distant to religion, I became very suisssidal. coming out of lockdown I was entirely a different person. I began to romanticize the idea of death and all the self talks about how meaningless life was, everyone and everything we know and love will one day be gone forever so what's the point if i go our now.. blah blah

To this day, I'm still the same person, my mind constantly pumps "there's no point to this" coded thoughts that make me very apathetic, feels like I'm tryna roll up a rock like Sisyphus that only slips back every bad time intervals. It sucks to know that there are hundreds of thousands of people on this planet who live miserable lives financially, that should make me feel grateful for the life I have. But it only makes it worse for me mentally, the idea of a god, capitalism, racism damn it's so complicated, sometimes I feel like I'd rather give up my entire existence to fix the whole of humanity. I don't wanna make this too long though, I can keep on going forever but yeah I know everybody has their own battles in their minds, how do you guys deal with all the negative echoes in your lives? I genuinely want to change my life, I'm soo tired of this imposter syndrome. I have realized that talking to people helps, so here I am.

Criticism or help i don't care, throw it on my face.