On my second time with him I did something I really regret but then confessed to him as I was on molly.
To give some back story I was going out with this seemingly amazing man. Who was my type to T, I had not been so attracted to someone in so long. At the time I was going through a lot with work, so I would use the rave scene to get away from the high stress I was dealing with. To go dance and occasionally very rarely I would take molly to let loose and just drop in.
Our first date was amazing, he was a gentlemen and we got along well. The second date was even better and I didn’t want to stop the momentum. I had a long week at work and so I convinced him to go to this night club with me so we could go dance. It just so happened a friend of his was their and she told me she had Molly. At the time, I impulsive took it without him knowing. I look back wondering what was going on in my mind as this was so reckless of me. I had never done something like that out of whim. I thought he doesn’t need to know and I don’t want to freak him out. So I took it but it was so strong I could barely keep myself together. As the night progressed his friend left and I was so high. I could see him looking at me. I thought to myself I can’t keep this lie from him. So high as fuck on molly seeing who was actually one of my favorite djs with an amazing man, I decided to take him aside to tell him what I had done. The lights, the music, im looking at him and my eyes won’t stay still. I’m sitting their thinking just spit it out tell him. He knows, he has to know, so I tell him. He doesn’t over react, and he stays completely calm with me. He thanks me for telling him.
We go back to his place and we lay on his bed. I look over at him as I’m coming down from the Molly. I look at his skin and I’m getting really weird visuals, his skin looks like scales almost like a snake. But I don’t over react I’m just observing and telling him what I see. We see each other for a few more weeks, off and on then he just disappears and never speaks to me again. Leading up to him disappearing he told me was having a stressful time with work and affording where he was staying. I still couldn’t help but blame myself. Even though he was a very honest man and even told me that what I did was not wrong because I told him the truth.
Ever since then, anytime I see someone who looks like him or something random will remind me of him I just go back to that night. And it bring me a since of dread because I wish I had been in a better headspace when I met him. I know maybe it wouldn’t have changed anything. And maybe I’m being to hard on myself for think that night determined it all. It’s hard not to feel like it did. I get anxious thinking about how wrong and shameful it was to have done that all because I was stressed. I felt like I ruined it all. I still miss the idea of him and what we could’ve been.