u/Lumpy-Diver-4571

Dementia life has helped me relax about some things.

Today, as I was frustrated bc the new glass “individual casserole” dishes have plastic-rubber lids that can’t go in the microwave, I paused to notice I let go of it sooner, that the little thing didn’t matter—the plate not preventing all of the splatter potentially.

that I can freeze, microwave meals and even serve them in the things is the main thing.

So I’m learning to say so what, let it go, it’s good enough.

Everyone feels differently about what they want for themselves at the end of their life obviously. I get that. I don’t think there are must dos and across the board one size fits all ideas. And I’m not one to try to ignore the elephant in the living room or mind straightforwardness. I like honesty and talking about things, even tough subjects. But I’m bothered.

My LO continues to emaciate and appearance changes are progressing. Face looks different seemingly daily. I’m no longer doing hair. Dropped all pretense I guess. Friend has said none of it bothers her, yet…today she seemed turned off by mom’s appearance.

This friend has visited more than anyone for which I’m grateful. It’s a respite just to see another person and to talk with someone and whatever we do. Our friendship is one where we talk about all kinds of things. Today when she looked at Mom and said she doesn’t want to be like that—if she gets like that, she doesn’t want her family to have to take care of her…and on an on, naming who agrees with her and what her plans are…I engaged in the conversation, saying well, you probably need to move to Oregon if you want a prescription and legal okay to check out without a bunch of other things in place. Chatted generally.

I couldn’t even get it out of my mouth bc of being interrupted or diverted by her, that I don’t think mom-we —got to the point of having the paperwork about specifics to do with things like tube feeding… (and I would have said idk how it will all play lot bc of not having the DNR in place). That I’m pretty sure but we defacto moved (floors redone) and everything is out of place. Pretty sure I only have a POA. I intended to follow through on ALL of it. But shit happens.

The thing is, this IS THE PREDICAMENT in which I find myself and I’m just doing my best and this is the way it is. I didn’t know how it would play out. I didn’t get the handbook for this. I got caught up.

I kind of feel like she insulted my mom—to the degree that one can say it— for wanting to live out her life. Yes, LIKE THIS. It’s not pretty or glamorous or wonderful like friend’s life w tons of support and active life and huge contrast to here. She is eight years younger than mom. Maybe she is not saying what she really wants to say. So that I can respond.

This friend is “ready to go anytime” and welcomes anything “to take [them] out.” I respect that. Good to know your own mind.

I tell her my mom doesn’t seem to like to talk about death and i try to respect her feelings but have tried a bit anyway and am open that maybe Mom wants to talk to others about it. So the friend seems to have an agenda of sorts and want to have this TALK but Mom doesn’t seem interested. Mom was eating, for one thing. That’s what she likes to do. Friend came with only couple hour’s notice.

When I have asked, Mom says she still wants to be here. Not sure I could do anything if she was begging me to help her go anyway. So I try to make the best of things. And I fail, repeatedly. And try again.

I barely have time to think about much to do with the big questions and philosophy l—the ins and outs of it all, bc of the sheer work and stress of it. Sitting here having n not had anything but a protein shake myself just to get this out, though I tried to dismiss it; it came back. I just sort of leave it up to her and her soul and whatever is going on there. It’s not up to me.

Maybe the friend just doesn’t know how to say what she wants or thinks she will be able to serve in some sort of hospice capacity but doesn’t really know how. She thinks I should call a mutual acquaintance about it, but I know without a doctor, nothing will happen, and I am trying to figure out what to do since mom’s doctor retired.

But in the meantime, here we are. Still have to change diapers, bedding, make food, do laundry, clean, try to have some kind of personal time hahaha, etc., etc.

Has anyone had that happen?

Because Mom can carry on a conversation, friend doesn’t believe she has Alzheimer’s. She said she had only one person to compare it to—her mom, who could not carry on a conversation.

I said well there are different types of dementia and people have different personalities so idk…

It’s kind of stuck with me today. And hit me like so you think I’m making it up or doing things like this for my own benefit?

Then after my uncle spent a year taking care of my grandma he said he didn’t think she had it. She knew me to the day she died.