u/LunafurTheCat

My partner, whom I love and has provided me with support over the past 8 years we've been together, is facing the fact that his mom is in need of more support. She has never been a kind nurturing type, and now in her late 80s, is has become belligerent. She also doesn't answer the phone or the door, and doesn't want to go to the doctor's or do much of anything but smoke and watch TV, doesn't eat properly or clean her house. The situation is not dire, but it could be.

We live about three hours away from her, so while it's not easy getting to her in case of an emergency, it's not hard to visit her over weekends. My partner knows he needs to spend more time with her, but instead of going up over the weekends, he is waiting to get FMLA. Getting FMLA depends entirely upon his mom getting her doctor to fill out the paperwork, and she's been stubborn about going to the doctor. He has a POA, but hasn't taken steps to use it. He has not looked into elderly care resources local to her, and can't figure out how to use the Employee Assistance benefit he has through work. He calls her often, but it's difficult getting her to answer the phone. He keeps trying to get her to take care of herself, but I don't think she has the mental capacity to do so.

My partner is not seeing any urgency, here, and I think he's a bit blind in emotional situations. He has insisted upon scheduling a two week vacation overseas to see family (who are also in their late 80s), as well as other trips away on long weekends to see friends. He is basically planning his life as if there's nothing wrong, and is not wrapping his head around the fact that if she needs emergency care, he's the person who be making the difficult decisions.

So, I'm trying to figure out how aggressive I need to be about getting him to handle this differently. Do I step in and go to visit her on the weekends without him? Do I put my foot down and insist that we not go overseas on that vacation (we've already bought the plane tickets, so we'd lose some money as well as losing the opportunity to see elderly uncles/aunts). He's not going to like my doing this, and he's not going to understand why I'm stepping in if I do, but I think I need to do it.

I'm wondering if anyone else has gone through having to step in front of a spouse or partner to take over care for their parent, and how it went. What did you go through, and how did you find solutions?

More info:

Where's the threshold of when things are dire? How can that dire situation be prevented?

She's able to shop for food, and drive as far as we know, but things have been going wrong over the past few months. For example, in January a neighbor noticed that my MIL's garbage cans hadn't been pulled into her garage for a few days and her car was still in the driveway. She went over to her house to see if she was OK. When she didn't answer the door, the neighbor let herself in (she doesn't lock the front door any more) and found my MIL in her bedroom with the TV turned up all the way. The neighbor called my partner after getting his number from my MIL, and let him know the house was freezing - the oil had run out and she'd not ordered a delivery. She hadn't ordered more oil because her phone bill hadn't been paid, which was also why she'd not been returning calls. Her area's temps plummeted below zero a week later, so if we'd not found out and paid the bill remotely, the situation would definitely have been dire.

So, why not set up a service where someone can visit her once or twice a week? What about giving her an emergency device she can wear? This is what I've been hoping my partner would do, and I've sent him resources and talked to him about it. It seems like it's been overwhelming for him, but leaving town is not going to solve the overwhelm.

I know it's hard, so I'm not suggesting that my partner is incompetent or incapable. I also don't want to shame him in any way. This is why I'm yelling into the void of Reddit - to alleviate my own stress a bit. To see what others have been through. I'm feeling a bit powerless.