Intense identity disturbance/confusion and not knowing who I really am is ruining me
I feel as though I have no idea who I am. I notice that my sense of self distinctly changes, I'll have a different "image" of myself in my head at different times and oftentimes look at my past actions as a separate person. I hate it. My main issue with dissociation has been not knowing who I am and constantly changing my mind on certain things. It has been bad enough to feel thoughts associated with one self, and thoughts associated with another, at the same time despite both being me (they are not involuntary, but they feel different from each other). I can't even remember my emotions or internal experiences, I forget them all, especially if there is a trigger.
If I go outside or do certain things, I am very cheerful and hate most things I like, thinking it's silly and I don't care about that. (Of course, I'm self-aware enough to know what's happening, but there's a blanket of that over me.) If I talk to family or go to events, I'm more like my "body" self or my "child" self, and it's caused me to freak out if I try to do things my normal self does while also out and about. If I'm online, I'm one of a few versions of myself. If I'm at college, I'm another self in a way as well.
I can't tell what to even take note of or what to care about. It's like my thoughts, who I'm supposed to be just shift and change depending on what I'm doing or if I think too hard, but there's a part of me watching and thinking things as usual, which makes me feel more crazy because clearly I must be making this up then. I sometimes "come to" while doing things and have thoughts about what I'm doing, being silly or not me or not right or questioning why I'm doing that, even though it's just me arguing with myself... I feel like one person shattered into fragments eho can't figure out who I am. I think to one of my more put-together identities and yearn to have it back because I sort of let it go. I had likes, dislikes, a personality, a particular way I thought of myself, a "look" to me. I still have those likes and dislikes generally, but the rest? I feel like I have no idea. All because I stopped trying to hold onto it and fit everything into it. I always had to avoid engaging with interests too far away from that identity, changing my hair, wearing different clothes, using any usernames/nicknames far from it, or else I'd be confused.
Even at the moment, I almost feel like I can think of "selves" and their association with things, what MAYBE they/I want (I think this could be me thinking too hard of course..). Some might be made up ideas, though, I honestly can't tell if I'm just overthinking. But recently, since I've started taking note of it, I just notice how miserable this feels. I don't know who I am or what I want. I either change my mind or completely lose interest and know nothing about anything. I can't draw a consistent persona for myself because one moment it feels right and another it doesn't. I don't know my gender, my goals, what I think of myself. I can't look at myself in the mirror, or I'll feel my skin around me, and potentially, like I shouldn't be the way I am at all. It's bad enough that I sometimes just lay on the ground covering my face to avoid it. I'm just tired of it, really. How do I even stop this or understand it?
I am going to try to see a therapist but those specializing in dissociation are hard to come by, and I don't know if I'll be able to recall anything very well since I forget everything or decide it "isn't that bad really I'm just dramatic" so easily. I don't know if I'm alone in this kind of experience, but I assume I must not be.