u/Lunnaris

TL;DR there's always the magical thinking about "oh if I achieve xyz then finally my dad will love me" as much as I try to breqk away. my abusive biological parents never let me prove myself loveable and worthy of them. As soon as he dies any hopes for being at least tolerated as a daughter by you. Or her, for what is worth.

You're dying, you've been dying for a long ass time. But this time it's just unavoidable, I guess. It feels like it is. I wish reaching out to you was a real option but we know I'm neither your eldest or your first-born son, and wish you had given me the chance to show you I've worked hard on myself to deserve your love.

So it's not like I can't call or that you won't answer the phone, but you won't let me in your heart life or family.

I've grieved the living for my whole life. The father to everyone except me. The friend to everyone except me.

Yap yap yap, the crux of the issue is as long as you're alive I still have the hope of getting to have a happy relationship with you.

But you're going to take the reasons for your (and biomum's) neverending hate.

I don't even know what I'm typing rn can't even read this post again to double check. Thank you for reading, and I'm open to listen to different advice or perspectives.