u/LysergicGothPunk

Look, I'm not in the business, just a patient at the end of his rope. I have looked everywhere to find the meaning of the code after getting a letter from my insurance telling me it was approved.

I wouldn't even be here, except after calling my insurance, they told me my name had changed and that if I couldn't provide them with the new one, they couldn't give me any information whatsoever.

That whole situation evolved into what is now a month-long mission spanning three organizations, and potential identity theft, and I'm no closer to figuring it out.

So back to the code:

T250 FINANCIAL MGMT SELF- DIR WAIVER; PD

I know it might be benign? But as a layman, seeing those words in that letter getting approved for a health care agency I don't recognize sent up some red flags, and I was hoping someone could explain what this means, or could mean?

I'm sorry if this not the right place, but I really don't know who else to go to at this point.

TW: addiction, depression, suicidal ideation. And I guess indirect murdery/kidnappy stuff. Also relationship stuff and SA mention.

Moved to the Bay Area in 2018. I've only ever been to the trans pride march in SF, once in 2019 because I had a friend who dragged me out there and it was awesome.

Only had friend bc I was in a shelter with them.

No longer have friend because of mental health and not leaving shelter until years after they did.

I'm almost 27 come next year and the "best years of my life" have been spent either inside, isolated from everyone, or fighting tooth and nail to survive.

Agoraphobia (not exact but closest term) and not being able to make or sustain friendships.

I literally run from people every chance I get, and I try SO HARD to maintain friendships online even but with everyone I just run eventually because I know I'm not good enough, I know I don't know how to have a friend. I know this because of years of screwing it up without even knowing how, and usually not any drama but just me not *doing the socially normal thing.*

I'm also AuDHD so that HAS to explain something.

I wanted to go out and have a good time but, I don't know how to do that.

The "good times" I've had were in my teen years, while I was being neglected and abused and "partied" with men sometimes twice my age, who I even drove away because of the intensity of my trauma.

Like just from talking about it, not because of like "behavior issues" or something. Like as a kid my stories messed with the heads of grown dudes who had been kidnapped by the cartel, or forced to kill people, etc.

I just wanna have a normal life, just wanna be normal and I never will. And I'm so so tired of everything.

I just wanna get drunk it's the only time I feel good about anything, and not for lack of trying.

Years of being mostly sober, not drinking out of addiction but more on occasion because I wanted to try a wine and cheese pairing as an excuse to feel fancy, or on the very rare occasion someone could convince me to drink with them or get high with them.

All because I thought I had a chance at an academic life when I never even learned math or went to school.

And now at 26 I feel closer to giving that up at least, because it caused so much pain.

But what's left if I give that up entirely?

I have no hope of any kind of future if I do.

If I can't have my goals met, all I want is to die, second to that is a bottle of something strong and a pack of cigs.

Edit because I am actually drunk and forgot to write the rest

I really wanted to go, I always really want to go. For the longest time, it was because I didn't feel valuable enough to go because I was homeless and didn't have friends, or was forced into the closet to some degree because I was living in shelters with 98% cis people.

And I'm starting to actually believe for some reason that other queer and trans people avoid me. Like my cousin I really wanted to know her, she got her masters in the same field I wanted to get my degrees in. I look up to her and she's queer and trans.

I met her a while back for the first time since we were kids, and so we hadn't seen each other since before coming out. Over a decade. And she doesn't even call or text me. I miss her and think about her but I don't think she wants to know me and why would she? I'm a mess. I need more help than any one person can provide.

And everyone just thinks I'm too difficult when they get to know me, so I guess I don't want anyone to get to know me anyway.

Maybe it's a good thing she doesn't reach out Idk.

Maybe I'll get remembered in a better light by someone.

I wanted to go. I planned. I always plan to go.

But.

And I'm stuck in this relationship with someone who is polyam and doesn't deal with relationships healthily.

It's a really unhealthy dynamic in part. We love each other so much but I'm a trans guy and he's straight, and it's very unhealthy. And he just is never forward about his relationships and has double standards he holds over me constantly. He's been the only person there for me for years. He's been there for me more than anyone.

Probably because I don't know how to have friendships with people.

So I haven't gone in pride in part bc I don't want to hurt him by "cheating" (even though he can sleep with anyone he wants to, and has literally broken up with me several times and has never set boundaries normally about it he gets VERY emotional about it, like I told him I sometimes go to online chatrooms and sext once and that was a year ago and he's still mad.)

But like, he's the only person I can trust. Everyone else I've known has either tried to SA me or actually has, or is just... not there, totally lost to addiction of some kind.

And every year that passes where I don't go to pride turns into ammunition for my brain to tell me "look at how much time and youth you've wasted, how much skill you haven't built up, how inadequate you are socially because yet one more year passed without you learning how to do it, and it only ever gets harder to learn things the older you get."