No one talks about how hard it is to find other people attractive after leaving a toxic relationship
I swear to god, it’s like I’m fucking mental or missing a couple screws. TBH I just got out of a toxic relationship and we had been friends for three years and during the third year I started idolizing him, he became my muse, the only reason for my endless poems and songs about love and we got together finally and lasted a year and 11 months. The first year was a blessing, he was the one person I could be goofy with and the apple of my eye, he had this affect on me that just made him the only attractive person in the room, just entirely way too sexy at all times. But as the year had ended it all went to shit. He started constantly lusting over other women(mostly celebrities) constantly as we were watching films or whatever and it just really tore down my self confidence. The moment I had enough courage to stand up for myself he would get upset and I’d end up apologizing for even reacting to his disrespectful behavior. This hurt so deeply because he was the only person I could ever love, to the point where it felt like incest or something similar to that disgust if I were to imagine myself with anyone else in bed. He was constantly putting me down and making me feel outright miserable for being myself. Our sex life was average and nothing too crazy but for some reason, during the act I had this insanely euphoric energy that was mainly absorbed in an emotional manner, not sexual. But regardless of its source I felt completely addicted to it, not in the sense that i always wanted to have sex or anything if anything I initiated less common than he would. I was addicted in a way in which getting it from anywhere else felt wrong, inauthentic and boring. My fascination of who he was before he started to hate me was found in glimpses between intimate moments but it was fleeting, and I made the decision to cut him off completely as it was eating my soul. But now I struggle with being able to truly be attracted to anyone right now. I went on a date recently and put out on the first date with a man I wasn’t even attracted to but his ability to maintain eye contact and compliment me was enough for me to try and have my needs met but I felt nothing. No emotional spark, just boredom. I honestly really hope I can manage to rid the image of his face from my brain so I can start from scratch. I struggle whether or not I could be A-sexual and self harming with the duty of sex bc it voids my fears of abandonment which leads me to use it as a tool of reassurance or if I’m actually just still healing or some bullshit.
TL:dr