I (29F) moved across the country with my boyfriend (28M) for our careers. He’s depressed, broke, and leaning on me financially (again). I’m losing empathy, how can I resolve this?
My boyfriend (28M) and I (29F) moved from the East Coast to LA about two months ago to pursue our dreams in the entertainment industry. I have a remote job making $24 an hour for 40 hours a week, but he moved here with almost nothing. Before the move, he barely applied to places, and I stupidly assumed things would work out differently once we arrived. He is an incredibly talented, reputable actor with an agent and a solid resume back east. I really thought he would be trying harder to showcase his talent, network, or at least secure some kind of temporary financial support so the entire burden wouldn't fall on me.
Instead, I am carrying 100% of our expenses, and it is terrifying. He has only applied to about 10 jobs in two months, only two in person, and never follows up. He spends maybe an hour a week looking for work and when he’s not doing that, he’s practicing monologues and going to writers groups for acting trying to network but I think he’s looking in the wrong places. The rest of the time, he is at home with me while I work remote. He does help around the house with cooking and cleaning, but chores don't pay the rent. And I’m still doing chores, too. Most days he sleeps in, cleans for a couple hours and then does some independent acting practice.
He is picky about the work he is willing to do, I’ve encouraged him to do DoorDash, etc but he has to work at a snobby actor job. I’m telling him he doesn’t have the luxury to pick and choose, we just need money. I have savings but don’t want to spend it all on his mistakes.
Here is the hardest part: I know he is sad. He is deeply depressed, and to make matters worse, he doesn’t have health insurance out here to get professional help. But the truth is, I’m depressed and miserable here, too. We both hate LA and wish we never left the East Coast. The difference is, I am still pushing forward by working full time and actively interviewing for PR roles while he is completely stalled.
I feel so incredibly stupid for letting myself get into this situation. This is not the first time in our relationship that he has leaned on me financially, and he knows exactly how I feel about it. Because we have had this conversation a million times and nothing changes or it’s very small, I am starting to get mean. I find myself snapping at him, resentfully telling him to just work harder, and the atmosphere in our apartment is toxic. We fight constantly.
I am drowning in anger and resentment. Any guidance would be greatly appreciated.