I'm struggling to let go of what we once had. I need honest advice.
I'll call myself S (22M) and the girl N (25F).
This is going to be long because I don't want to leave out important details or make either of us look like the villain. I'm genuinely looking for unbiased advice.
We met online in January 2025 through a group. At first, N lied about her age, but later admitted it herself and sincerely apologized. She's about three years older than me. We belong to different states and different cultural backgrounds, but we connected really well.
Over time, we started talking every day. Our chats turned into voice calls, then video calls, and eventually we entered into a long-distance relationship because we both wanted someone to love and be loved.
As we became closer, our relationship naturally became romantic and eventually intimate. N was the one who first made me feel comfortable discussing those topics. She openly talked about things like menstru*****, bras, preferences, and repeatedly told me not to hesitate to ask her anything. Because of that, I became comfortable asking questions too.
She voluntarily shared intimate photos with me, and over time our relationship became highly intimate. We exchanged private photos, fantasized about meeting someday, and regularly engaged in intimate activities over video calls. This wasn't something one person forced on the other—both of us participated willingly, and at different times, both of us initiated it. There were even times when she was the one asking to see me or initiating those conversations.
One day we played Truth or Dare, and she asked me to remove my shirt. Looking back, that was one of the moments where our relationship started becoming more physically intimate.
Things continued like that for many months.
Then life started changing for her.
She began having irregular menstru*****. I helped her find a doctor, and she was diagnosed with an ovarian cyst. Around the same time, she was going through serious family problems and became determined to build a better future for herself by focusing on her career.
Gradually, she stopped responding positively whenever I asked for intimacy. Eventually, we broke up.
The thing is, breakups weren't unusual for us. We'd argue, separate for a few days, and then reconcile because we genuinely felt we needed each other.
Even after ending the relationship, we remained an important part of each other's lives.
For her, I became the person she relied on for studies, research, career advice, academics, emotional support, and almost anything she needed.
For me, she was someone who had once fulfilled both my emotional and intimate needs and also helped me with university assignments.
After some time, she told me that she no longer felt comfortable doing those intimate things. She said she now believed they were unhealthy and that she felt like she had become "just a tool for my sexual needs."
That statement really affected me.
The problem is that after doing those things almost every day for such a long time, my brain became conditioned.
We even had a code phrase:
"Do you want something?"
Whenever she sent that message, it meant asking whether I wanted to do something intimate together. Over time, even hearing her voice or receiving that message became enough to trigger those feelings in me because it had become such a regular part of our relationship.
Earlier, she'd happily spend a long time on video calls being affectionate and intimate with me.
Now she completely refuses those things and instead tells me they're unhealthy and that she doesn't want that kind of relationship anymore.
There was also a period where she barely talked to me for about two or three weeks.
Later she admitted she'd briefly dated someone from her own city. She genuinely believed he loved her, but after meeting him she realized he mainly wanted something physical. He even kissed her without asking for permission. That experience hurt her deeply.
After that happened, she came back to me for emotional support. She asked whether I really loved her, wanted advice, and leaned on me emotionally again.
By this point we were no longer a couple, just friends.
There was no regular intimacy anymore, but I kept asking because I missed what we once had. Most of the time she'd refuse.
Sometimes, after repeatedly asking and when she knew I wasn't mentally doing well, she'd agree once every month or two.
The difficult part for me is that I couldn't stop comparing the present to the past. Earlier everything felt natural and enthusiastic. Now, whenever she agreed, it felt reluctant, and I could sense that her heart wasn't really in it.
Recently, I suggested that we shouldn't contact each other for seven days because I felt I was becoming emotionally dependent on her.
She accepted because she believed I wouldn't be able to do it.
After only two days, I texted her.
The reason wasn't intimacy.
One of my old friends had left my life, and I was feeling emotionally broken. I just wanted someone familiar to talk to.
During that conversation she asked me to help her find a job.
I spent time helping her prepare and giving her advice.
Afterward, I told her I still wasn't mentally okay and wanted to leave the conversation.
She felt I was abandoning her when she needed my help.
Then she asked,
"Do you want something?"
Even though I wasn't in the mood at all, I didn't want to lose the opportunity, so I said yes.
She replied that if she did that for me, then I also had to continue helping her.
I said that ideally I'd want those intimate interactions around three or four times a week.
She became angry.
She asked if I was serious.
She reminded me that getting a job was one of the most important priorities in her life and asked how I could expect that from her when I knew everything she was dealing with.
Then she said something that hurt me deeply:
"Don't you have any shame asking for this?"
From my perspective, over the past year and a half, I'd supported her financially, emotionally, mentally, academically, and spent countless hours helping her instead of focusing on my own career. I even neglected spending time with my family because I was always available for her. I even learned cooking because of her.
Whenever she wanted intimacy in the past, I also followed her wishes without hesitation.
I never mentioned any of these sacrifices during that conversation because I didn't want to make it sound like I was keeping score.
Eventually she calmed down and agreed she'd be intimate with me twice a week.
Instead of feeling happy, I felt guilty.
It felt like she was agreeing only because she needed my help.
At the same time, I still feel emotionally attached to her.
I'm also afraid that once she gets a job or no longer needs my help, she'll distance herself again like she has done before.
She's told me before,
"You can't force me."
And she's absolutely right.
I know I can't, and I don't want to.
But emotionally I'm stuck.
Part of me genuinely wants her to succeed and be happy.
Another part of me still misses the intimacy we once shared and struggles to accept that it's probably gone forever.
I understand that people change, and I fully respect consent and personal boundaries.
What I'm struggling with is accepting how drastically our relationship has changed and figuring out how to move forward without resentment, guilt, or dependency.
For people who have been through something similar:
Am I unintentionally making her feel pressured?
If you were in my position, how would you move forward in a healthy way?
I'm not looking for someone to tell me who's right or wrong. I'm looking for honest perspectives because I know I'm emotionally involved and may not be seeing the situation clearly.