I’m 17M and I honestly don’t remember the last time I felt alive instead of just surviving. Every year I kept telling myself to hold on a little longer, try a little harder, sacrifice a little more, and maybe one day things would finally feel worth it. But instead I just kept breaking silently. 65.5%, RT in Chemistry, pressure for CUET and NEET, expectations, isolation, overthinking, self-hate — it all piled up so heavily that now even breathing feels exhausting sometimes.

The worst part isn’t even the marks. It’s what they did to the thoughts already inside my head. I already doubted myself for years, already felt like I was never enough, and this just felt like confirmation of every horrible thing I think about myself. I keep blaming myself for everything. For disappointing my parents. For not being stronger mentally. For wasting years isolated in a room while everyone else lived their lives. For trying so hard and still ending up here.

I cut myself off from people thinking sacrifice would lead somewhere. No friends, no memories, no happiness, no real support system. Just pressure every single day. And now I’m so mentally exhausted that even simple things feel heavy. Studying feels heavy. Existing feels heavy. Waking up feels heavy. I don’t even know how to explain how empty someone can feel after fighting their own mind for years straight.

Sometimes I look at myself and feel angry that I became this person. I hate how weak I’ve become, how badly I overthink, how deeply everything affects me. And the scary part is not even sadness anymore — it’s numbness. Like something inside me quietly gave up a long time ago and now I’m just watching myself fall apart in slow motion while pretending I’m functioning normally.

I don’t want fake motivational lines. I don’t want people telling me “it’s just marks.” I know marks aren’t life, but when someone already feels worthless, every failure feels personal. Every result feels like proof that maybe you really are the disappointment you feared becoming.

Right now I’m exhausted, overwhelmed, and drowning in my own thoughts. But a part of me is still writing this instead of disappearing completely, and maybe that small part is the only thing still trying to survive.

posting on behalf of u/MEETHAPAAN1

r/AtheistTeenIndia join it

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41 temp mai