u/MarionberryOk6129

Salam everyone,
I’m a woman in the beginning of my twenties.
I recently had a pretty disheartening experience during the courting/getting-to-know-someone phase that I wanted to share for some advice and insight. This is a throwaway account because I’ll be sharing personal details, including things about my appearance.

So, I recently got to know a man with the intention of seeing whether we were compatible for something serious. We weren’t compatible because of some differences in values, as he was a bit more traditional and practicing, so we went our separate ways. I had no hard feelings about it. On the contrary, I got the impression that he was a very good man, we had an amazing connection and conversations, he taught me a lot, and I genuinely prayed that he would eventually meet the woman who was right for him. I simply didn’t want to waste any more of his time and wished him the best.

Fast forward to today, when that completely changed. My best friend studies at the same university as him, and they have open study spaces where students can sit. She was sitting in the area where people can talk, and a few meters away at the table in front of her he was sitting with another guy. She recognized him of course since I had shown her a picture of him. She later told me about the conversation he had with his friend, where he was talking about me.

His friend had asked how I (by my name) looked like when he first met me. He apparently said that I was “mid”. He said that my face was pretty, but that my body was less attractive. That he likes curves and that I was small and not very womanly. My friend obviously didn’t want to hurt me by telling me every single detail (she pushed that he said ”but she had a pretty face”), but she also wanted to make me aware of what kind of person he was. There were several other things he said about me, including my character since our values didn’t align. The prime focus was my appearance though.
His comments have affected me and left me feeling shocked because as I said, I walked away from this experience with a good impression and no hard feelings, and I thought that feeling was mutual.

I’m also a bit chocked by how he talked about my appearance since I’ve generally been considered attractive in the context of more natural traditional beauty standards, and when it comes to my build I’m more petite and skinny. I’ve received a lot of interest particularly in weddings/mosque/community settings, and I’ve had quite a few suitors. Most of that has come through more traditional introductions though, so I genuinely don’t know what men of our generation (he was the same age as me) tend to prefer nowadays, perhaps the body and a ”baddie” (I wasn’t considered one unfortunately), matters most for some.

I know beauty is subjective and that men obviously have different preferences. I also don’t expect my future husband to think I’m exceptionally beautiful. I just want someone who is genuinely attracted to me and genuinely into me, to the point where terms like “mid” don’t even exist in his mind when it comes to me. I think all of this has gotten to my head partly because it felt like he was a good person since he did a lot of talking about modesty and other Islamic values. And also because I felt that the attraction was mutual between us. Yet apparently he had been sitting there doing assessments without me even realizing it.

How do you think I should look at this moving forward, and how can I make sure I don’t carry this doubt with me the next time I get to know someone?

EDIT:
Please see the comment I wrote about my friend before commenting more about her. I trust her, and she isn’t at fault, since I was the one who pushed for the details.

The other questions I’m left with have to do with the fact that he still pursued me, even though he had so many opinions about my appearance and body. I guess this is how some men settle, and it’s a bit hurtful to know that a man can still settle for you while simultaneously having so many reservations about your appearance.
It also feels so uncomfortable to know that he had been looking at parts of my body in this way. Is this something that all men do and that I just have to accept?

Salam everyone,
I’m a woman in the beginning of my twenties.
I recently had a pretty disheartening experience during the courting/getting-to-know-someone phase that I wanted to share for some advice and insight. This is a throwaway account because I’ll be sharing personal details, including things about my appearance.

So, I recently got to know a Shia man with the intention of seeing whether we were compatible for something serious. We weren’t compatible because of some differences in values, as he was a bit more traditional and practicing, so we went our separate ways. I had no hard feelings about it. On the contrary, I got the impression that he was a very good man, we had an amazing connection and conversations, he taught me a lot, and I genuinely prayed that he would eventually meet the woman who was right for him. I simply didn’t want to waste any more of his time and wished him the best.

Fast forward to today, when that completely changed. My best friend studies at the same university as him, and they have open study spaces where students can sit. She was sitting in the area where people can talk, and a few meters away at the table in front of her he was sitting with another guy. She recognized him of course since I had shown her a picture of him. She later told me about the conversation he had with his friend, where he was talking about me.

His friend had asked how I (by my name) looked like when he first met me. He apparently said that I was “mid”. He said that my face was pretty, but that my body was less attractive. That he likes curves and that I was small and not very womanly. My friend obviously didn’t want to hurt me by telling me every single detail (she pushed that he said ”but she had a pretty face”), but she also wanted to make me aware of what kind of person he was. There were several other things he said about me, including my character since our values didn’t align. The prime focus was my appearance though.
His comments have affected me and left me feeling shocked because as I said, I walked away from this experience with a good impression and no hard feelings, and I thought that feeling was mutual.

I’m also a bit shocked by how he talked about my appearance since I’ve generally been considered attractive in the context of more natural traditional beauty standards, and when it comes to my build I’m more petite and skinny. I’ve received a lot of interest particularly in weddings/mosque/community settings, and I’ve had quite a few suitors. Most of that has come through more traditional introductions though, so I genuinely don’t know what men of our generation (he was the same age as me) tend to prefer nowadays, perhaps the body and a ”baddie” (I wasn’t considered one unfortunately), matters most for some.

I know beauty is subjective and that men obviously have different preferences. I also don’t expect my future husband to think I’m exceptionally beautiful. I just want someone who is genuinely attracted to me and genuinely into me, to the point where terms like “mid” don’t even exist in his mind when it comes to me. I think all of this has gotten to my head partly because it felt like he was a good person since he did a lot of talking about modesty and other Islamic values. And also because I felt that the attraction was mutual between us. Yet apparently he had been sitting there doing assessments without me even realizing it.

How do you think I should look at this moving forward, and how can I make sure I don’t carry this doubt with me the next time I get to know someone?