u/Maximum_Film_5694

We just found out on Monday that my 11 year old, field Irish setter, Copper, has cancer all over his spleen. He has lost 15 pounds and is barely drinking and hasn't eaten anything in a few days. They offered to do a biopsy to confirm, but we can't afford treatment so getting the confirmation won't do much. The vet said the spleen was completely mottled looking on the ultrasound and she believes it's highly likely that it's some kind of lymphoma. They gave us Prednisone with the hopes that it would spur him to eat and drink more. He's had two doses now since yesterday, but still refuses to eat and only drinks a small amount. I scheduled a euthanasia appointment for tomorrow morning, but I worry I'm not giving him enough time for the Prednisone to work. I don't want him to suffer, but he is still getting up and going outside, sniffing things, trying to catch flies, etc. He mostly lays around sleeping, but he still has interest in watching the birds and saying hi to us when we come home. My biggest concern is that he has completely stopped eating and barely drinks anything. I just don't want to give up on him if there's a chance he'd get better. We know some people who had 2 more years with their pup after going through something similar. The Prednisone shrank their dogs tumors and gave him his appetite back. I hoped it would do the same for our boy, but I don't know how long to give it.

Any thoughts are appreciated.

I have an r10 with the 18-45mm kit lens. I only got it because there was a great combo deal on the body and kit lens together. I am looking for something that can work in close-up, low light, indoor situations, as well as outdoors for portraits and wildlife. I'm just a hobbyist.

I'm considering the tamron rf-s 17-70mm as my general purpose lens, but I see there are refurbished Canon rf-s 18-150mm lenses available for about half the cost of the Tamron. I can't afford to spend more than $1000 total, so going for better Canon RF glass is out of the question. I am thinking of also getting a wide angle zoom or prime lens to go with this and at some point the rf 35mm/1.8 and the 50mm/1.8 stm. I also have an older sigma EF 105mm f2.8 macro lens that works ok on the r10. It's not the greatest lens, but it fills in some gaps for me.

What do you recommend I get?

I've been married 22 years. I recently had an EA and disclosed it to my BS, but I am struggling to get my desire back for my BS. My BS has forgiven me, understands why it happened, and wants to stay together. I also want to stay together, but how do I rekindle my desire and attraction for my BS after 22 years of rejection?

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Here's some backstory. Prior to our wedding, my spouse and I had a lot of sexual intimacy and had a hard time keeping our hands off each other. We never had piv sex, but we did a lot of other things. I expected this would continue into our marriage because they never mentioned any issues in this area. However, on our wedding night things changed. They didn't want to have sex on our wedding night and I was completely taken by surprise by this. It led to a fight and, while we ended up having sex, neither of us enjoyed it. After that, our sex life has always been the biggest issue in our marriage.

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Over the first 21 years of marriage, they initiated sex twice. For years, I would try to initiate intimacy and either they rejected me outright, or would agree to have sex in the evening before bed. Unfortunately, a vast majority of the time, when evening came around they would either forget completely or would keep saying yes right up until it was time to get in bed, and then would change their mind and say they didn't want to anymore. Many times, I was already ready and waiting in bed, only to have them come into the bedroom and say they forgot it just wanted to go to bed instead.

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Over the course of our marriage it has mostly been a sexless marriage, with us having sex less than 10 times per year for most years. I suggested and asked many times that they talk to their doctor and therapist about why their libido was so low, but despite feeling really bad about it, they weren't willing to do so.

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After years of this pattern, I finally gave up initiating any intimacy because I couldn't take the repeated rejection after the lead up saying yes, only to be told no almost every time, even after confirming throughout the day and spending time getting ready for it. When I finally decided to stop initiating, we went four months before they even realized we hadn't had sex in awhile, but they thought it had only been a few weeks. Finally, after 20 years, they agreed to talk to their doctor, but still wouldn't address it with their therapist. They always said they enjoyed it when we did have sex, and would often orgasm just fine, but most of the time they couldn't orgasm despite all my efforts to help them do so. I asked many times what they liked, what turned them on, etc, but all I ever got was, "I don't know."

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I have struggled with being able to orgasm for several years because I felt so much rejection and had a hard time getting turned on because I felt they weren't into it. They always assured me they were wanting to have sex, but being rejected so many times led to significant mental struggles. I felt like I was raping my spouse most of the time despite their reassurance that they wanted to have sex. Outside the bedroom, we've had a good marriage, however, ever since we had children I've felt like they've focused almost exclusively on the children and all I got were the leftovers. Over the last 12 years in particular, I've felt like we've grown apart and now have almost nothing in common. When we do go out on dates, we have almost nothing to talk about other than the kids. When I stop talking or asking question, they are basically silent, not asking me any questions or telling me what's on their mind.

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I've suffered from depression for years and have felt very lonely in our marriage. Recently I became very suicidal and checked myself into a mental hospital because of it. While I was there, I met another patient whom I became good friends with. We immediately connected on a level I haven't connected with my spouse in a long time, and I fell in love. Despite barely knowing this person, we had a chemistry that was so intoxicating. We spent 5 days together talking and connecting emotionally. I decided to be honest with this person about how I felt and wrote a letter expressing my feelings and my attraction to them. While they were flattered, they said they were not looking for a relationship at this time because they had to work on their mental health and trauma first, and they wanted to do things right by taking it slow and getting to know each other as friends first. They didn't say no to my overture's, just that they wanted to do things right by taking it slow, building a friendship and working on our own issues first. They said they aren't in a position to be in a relationship right now and need to work on their mental health issues first. That said, they wanted to stay in touch after we got out of the hospital and that they saw me as a forever friend.

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Nothing physical happened, but I realize I crossed a line by telling this person how I felt about them and that I wanted to be intimate with them. After I got out of the hospital, we stayed in touch, but I quickly told my BS that I had an EA with them, but that I wanted to stay married and had no intention of leaving them. However, I wanted to stay friends with my AP because they truly are an amazing person and made clear they do not want to come between me and my spouse. At first my spouse was ok with us remaining friends, because they said they probably would have done the same thing if they were in my position and didn't fault me for it. However, when they saw how happy I was when talking to the AP on the phone and how I talked about them, they got very upset and asked me to go NC instead. This caused me a tremendous amount of anxiety and I now realize my AP became a limerant object for me.

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At first I didn't agree to going NC because I thought we could remain friends only, but my limerance for the AP led me to start lying about the frequency of my contact with them to my spouse. After two weeks of this my BS insisted I go NC. I asked for a few days to communicate this with my AP and to allow me to figure out why I was having such a hard time letting go.

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I did let my AP know that my spouse was uncomfortable with our friendship, and that I really love them as a friend, but I was still holding out hope that someday we might get together if things didn't work out with my BS or if my bs were to pass away in the near future (my BS has stage 4 cancer that was diagnosed 8 years ago but hasn't had detectable cancer in 5 years. They are on chemo for the rest of their life however.). The AP told me we would be friends always, but they were not ok being the reason I breakup my marriage. They understood my BS's request for NC for now but would always be my friend and would be there for me when I am in a healthier mental space and my marriage is stronger.

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We have now been NC for about a month, and despite realizing I was in limerance over them, I also know that I will always love them. I have room in my heart to love more than one person, but also understand the commitment I made to my spouse to be monogamous. The problem now is that I have not been able to get my physical and emotional attraction and desire back for my BS, and worry I never will. I love them, but I'm not sure if I'm still "in love" with them, if that makes sense. I had already felt this way prior to meeting my AP, but the EA highlighted a lot of issues that were present in our marriage.

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Further, about 3 months ago, my spouse finally admitted to me why they had so many issues with sex throughout our marriage and as a result of finally facing their past trauma, along with my compassion, empathy and forgiveness, their libido has returned. They are now easily turned on and have begun initiating sex every so often, but despite this, my libido has not returned. I can't get turned on by them anymore as I feel no physical or emotional attraction to them.

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Two weeks ago, after expressing my concern about feeling hurt by their rejection over the years, my BS admitted that part of the issue with their libido was because they had prayed to God when they were younger, asking God to take away their sexual desire until they found "the right one." We both grew up in the evangelical church purity culture and were taught that our premarital sexual desires were evil. We both struggled with feeling intense shame regarding our sexuality and sexual desires. I learned to hate myself and became depressed and suicidal throughout my life. My spouse told me they shut down their libido, hoping it would return when they found the "right one." However, throughout our marriage they have worried they made a mistake marrying me, believing that maybe I wasn't actually the right one because their libido hadn't returned.

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This didn't help me feel any better about their lack of libido throughout our marriage and the repeated rejections. In fact, it has basically made me feel rejected even more because throughout our marriage my spouse has been feeling like they made the wrong choice. Now, despite wanting to stay together, and wanting to get my desire back, I don't know if it will ever return.

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My question to this group is whether anyone else has been through anything similar, and whether they were able to rekindle their desire for their BS after an EA and years of sexual rejection and emotional neglect? If so, how did you get your desire and attraction back?

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