u/MedicMoth

Posting out of sheer frustration. Every single one of relevance to me rings to a busy signal and then automatically disconnects, and this has been happening for weeks on end now 🤷 it would be funny if it wasn't so thoroughly depressing.

I know it wasn't always this bad. Even just a few months ago you could usually get through to at least one of them, so it seems to me that something has rapidly changed since then. I'm probably going to channel my anger into trying to find out what happened, maybe compile some financials for the sub's enjoyment (spoilers: the funding shortfalls for all charities in question appear to be worse than they've ever been in recorded history. Thanks NACT1ST!!). But before I do that, I just wanted to know if anybody else has this experience *recently*.

Maybe, if nothing else, it would feel a little less lonely to hear from others who have had the same utterly dismal experience? Maybe there's some amazing responsive well-kept-secret service that I just haven't heard about yet? Kia kaha to all those in the same or a similar boat, either way. Shit sucks big-time

Self indulgent vent post incoming. Posting here so that I can avoid any "well maybe you could just compromise" type responses or generic "there's someone for everyone" slop.

So, I'm an ace woman who likes men.

I have never bothered to date past teenagerhood, during which time I was acutely aware that the clock was ticking on my ability to do anything in the relationship world without having to first launch into a PhD level explanation of my identity and my boundaries.

I learned early that sex is a prerequisite for basically any and all physical forms of intimacy. I learned that touching men, like, at all, is loaded with all sorts of Uncomfortable Implications. I learned that my body is kind of just an object to others, and a useless one as far as society is concerned (so I normally choose to ignore it).

I learned that men who say they're okay with "just" that are usually either lying and are dangerous - assault is a genuine risk of vulnerability at all times. Or, more often, they're just desperate, and that's unattractive and not enjoyable in of itself. I think it would be pretty unethical to such men AND myself to take advantage of them, just to temporarily fufil some shallow thirst for attention... plus, knowing that I'm a consolation prize until the "real" trophy comes along has further eroded my social self esteem.

I learned that I believe in mutually giving and taking in equal measure. That a relationship isn't worth your time unless it's comfortable and you both get something out of it. And I learned that there's nothing I have to give, that is unique to me, that could ever "compensate" for being ace. That it's delusional to think being ace gives me some rare unique perspective which people might really come to appreciate (which is a concept I held onto for a while). An allosexual woman is every bit as good as an asexual one and can provide every piece of support I can. Except you can fuck her, and not me. (Also, for context? I've never once met an ace man in real life. So I don't really play with those odds either.)

Basically, every experience I've ever had has taught me that unless you live in some crazy big city full of super openminded queer people, there's no point even entertaining the IDEA of a relationship. So, I haven't ever really bothered. It's just too exhausting and complicated. Any time I felt a mushy feeling like I might want something, I crushed it. I avoid romantic content like the plague, I told myself a million times most people suck anyway, romance would only ever invite strife, and I just mentally disengaged from the concept. I went all in on the things I feel I CAN control, and being the best person I can possibly be within the confines of my own individual self.

Most of the time I've actually been okay with this life? I actually enjoy a pretty joyful existence - focus on work which I love, hanging out with friends, doing hobbies, trying to contribute to my community, enjoying solitude to the fullest and so on. I swing between touch starvation and touch repulsion anyway, so normally if I'm feeling lonely, I can just do my best to wait it out!

In almost all aspects, my life is great and I'm happy!

.... As long as I don't think about relationships too much...!

But lately, inexplicably. The gnawing feeling that I'm missing something, something beyond just simple physical contact or socialising with others, is getting harder and harder to ignore. My mind keeps wandering back to the topic relationships. And so lately, I've realised that on TOP of being asexual, I'm also incredibly repressed.

And I just... Really don't know what to do with that knowledge?

I'm scared of opening Pandora's box, I guess. It's not like I can change the reality of the biological imperative, you know? I'm scared that it I accept I have unmet desire, it would be akin to empowering a trans egg or a closeted gay man in a repressive nation 200 years ago with the knowledge of exactly how miserable and inescapable their situation is. Wouldn't that be way worse? To be able to accurately identity an umet desire and just... not be able to do anything about it?

I'm scared that if I try to explore it any way, I'm just going to get myself more hurt and traumatised than I already am... I already know society won't change. I have never met anybody like me. So what choice do I really have but to push it all down?

The broader queer community doesn't really help, either. Both "decenter men" / "prioritise sisterhood" etc, and "have hope you'll meet the one" / "pride is for everyone's / "open your heart" etc, are equally useless, harmful pieces of advice. Both lead to misery. I really do not believe that there is a community out there for me. The asexual and the allosexual communities at large both make me feel like an outsider.

So, I just don't know if the misery of repression, or the misery of stoking some naive doomed hope, is better? I don't want to live my life in yearning, painfully aware of how screwed I am dreaming of something that doesn't exist... but I also don't want to completely crush newfound feelings of excitement and passion. They're horrific, yes, but they're also kind of exciting and nice.

Any thoughts much appreciated.