Absolutely heartbroken for my daughter
Today, I received word that my adopted daughter’s biological mother has died.
We adopted our 14yo daughter five years ago. She entered the foster system at a very young age because both of her parents were addicts. Parental rights had already been terminated and she had been living in a residential treatment center before she came to our home. Her dad tried to get clean and stay in her life and they talk occasionally, but her mother completely disappeared when she was about 3 years old after CPS became involved. Last I heard about her mother was that she was homeless with schizophrenia. My daughter does not really remember her mother. The first time her mother came up in conversation, she had a visceral reaction and described her mother as being like a wicked witch and described her in a very negative manner as if she was afraid of her. Both of her parents have violent histories. Her dad has been in and out of jail with the most recent charge being assault with a deadly weapon, and her mother has multiple arrests for domestic violence. But she does not have any specific memories of her mother, just pictures that we’ve been able to obtain from her biological family on her father’s side. Lately she has begun to speak about her mother in more positive terms and out of curiosity, but she never asks to find her or contact her.
My daughter has an intellectual disability and a neurodevelopmental disorder due to meth exposure in utero, and she has special needs in addition to CPTSD from abuse, neglect, and her time in the foster system. She’s had a very rough childhood and has been in crisis for most of her life. Last year was brutal, and we finally got her stable again just a couple months ago after two hospitalizations and many medication adjustments. She starts high school next week and she has been really excited about it.
We are currently on vacation and she has been having the time of her life. She has actually been getting along with my stepsons, and it’s been an incredible much needed bonding experience for our family.
We drove and we are a 16hr drive from home. I can’t tell her now. I can’t tell her and send her into what could be another crisis that far from home. I don’t know what to do. We are considering ending our trip early and going home so we can tell her sooner. But part of me thinks we should allow her to have a few more happy days before her world comes crashing down again. School is off next week. I’m calling her therapy team to arrange support. Her mother’s family is not going to have a funeral. We are considering seeing if we can arrange some kind of memorial service here where our family can support her and creating a little memorial garden at our home.
I don’t really know what to do. Does anyone have some advice for us?