TTC has made me feel like I’m slowly losing my mind
I just wanted to share my experience over the past few months and, honestly, get this off my chest. Whenever I’ve tried talking about it with the people closest to me, I always get the same comments: “Stop obsessing over it and it’ll happen,” or “You’re overthinking it.” So I’ve reached a point where I don’t really feel like I can talk about it anymore.
I’d really appreciate it if nobody judged my situation harshly. I’m feeling quite vulnerable at the moment, and I’m mostly posting this because I need somewhere to vent.
My partner and I decided we wanted to become parents in September last year. I should probably mention that, until a few years ago, I never actually thought I wanted to be a mother.
Our situation is a little unusual because of our age difference: I’m 32 and my partner is 47.
Although we made the decision in September, we couldn’t actually start trying until April this year. I was starting a new job and, honestly, I didn’t want to deal with the possibility of getting pregnant right away and having problems at work 🤡.
We’ve now been trying for six months. And yes, I know that objectively speaking, six months is not a long time. But it feels incredibly heavy to me. I can’t stop thinking about the fact that I might have waited too long and that we could have started years ago.
I feel guilty because I was the reason we didn’t start trying earlier. I didn’t want to be a mother before, and now I keep thinking that maybe I’ve wasted time that I can’t get back.
I’m also someone who naturally tends to think negatively, so what started as a pretty normal process quickly turned into me researching everything. I started using ovulation tests to better understand my fertile window and, because apparently my brain needed something else to worry about, I also started tracking my basal body temperature to make sure I was actually ovulating.
Even though I’ve always had regular cycles and have never had any reason to think I wasn’t ovulating, my brain went straight to “But what if I don’t?” 🙃
So here we are. Six months of trying, timing sex around the fertile window, tracking ovulation… and still no pregnancy.
And lately I’ve started feeling like it’s never going to happen.
I have an appointment with my gynecologist this Thursday, so I’m planning to talk to her about everything and hopefully get some perspective.
I know six months isn’t necessarily a long time. I knew that before we started trying. I knew pregnancies don’t happen immediately for everyone, and I knew that even healthy couples can take time to conceive.
But knowing that intellectually and actually living through it are two completely different things.
Before I wanted to become a mother, I understood that TTC could take months. Now that I’m actually in the middle of it, every month feels heavier, and I keep asking myself why it hasn’t happened yet. I know that’s not necessarily rational, but that’s where my head is right now.
Anyway, I mainly wanted to vent. I don’t really have a question or a solution I’m looking for. I just needed to say it somewhere where people might understand.
I genuinely wish everyone here the best of luck on their journeys. From the bottom of my heart, I hope every one of you gets the happy, healthy pregnancy you’re hoping for. 🫶🏻❤️