u/MelodramaticSlipper

33 transman, seem to be demi or gray.

I spent a long time trying to convince myself that I wasn't under the asexual umbrella because of what I saw as contradictions. Truly just a lack of understanding on my part.

Anyways, past few years I am fully allowing myself to admit this to myself. That I do have somewhat sporadic interests that relies entirely on my perception of a person.

I stepped out from the dating scene entirely a few years back which triggered my self reflection; gratefully. I was a people pleaser who went along with what others wanted, and unfortunately that landed me in many situations, the last one a friend of many years used me to experiment sexually, giving me a form of HPV that causes cervical cancer; thankfully I noticed something wrong and went straight to a Dr, got a procedure to remove the precancerous cells before finally removing it all but I digress.

I cared about my friend, we flirted for years before and after my transition, but I didn't actually have any sexual interest in them, and after they got what they wanted they stopped treating me as a friend and all the previously funny flirtations all changed to explicit sexual fantasizing on their part. Not the first time this has happened to me. However an STD definitely was a first and I feel extra foolish for trusting them. This being why I stopped dating.

I have gone on a couple dates this year and all I can think about is what point is there. I feel dysphoric as a transman, disgusting for the HPV that would have easily been avoided had I any self respect, and all the online dating is ONLINE, which for me is like making a connection with a fantasy novel. If people are willing to meet in person for dates they want to decide whether we are a match in a couple dates or meet once every few months as though anyone could get to know someone properly like that. Dating apps hide matches from showing up unless you pay, and I have no clue if I am interested in a single person who I come across because I have to make judgements on appearances that mean next to nothing or bio's that may not represent a person as I would see them.

The entirety of my interests were based on trust and connections built, but now I don't trust anyone at all.

I am not lonely. I do what I need for my mental health, socializing, gym, healthy diet and sleep. Honestly, the only reason I haven't decided on going solo for the foreseeable future is that I really miss having someone to flirt with, someone to flatter, or share the occassional physical, generally non-sexual interaction with. I want a genuine connection that provides a closeness you don't traditionally find with friends. Especially as I don't trust flirtatious friends at all.

It just feels like everyone in the dating scene is rushing intimacy instead of therapy to deal with their loneliness. I have no clue how to communicate my boundaries or expectations without setting up their expectations for a committed relationship. Nobody respects or understands my boundaries when I outline them. I am also not even particularly interested in being someone's primary partner because on top of everything I have EDS and taking care of myself is a fulltime commitment.

I respect myself now at least. Took, hmm 2 or 3 years, but I at least have that.

If you relate I would love to hear your experiences. It's always nice to gain some perspective.

Well, I am not sure how to date anymore.

33, transitioned at 28, with most of my dating experience prior; when I was closeted. I dated my now best friend a few years back who is transfem NB. Talking to them about dating has helped me understand that I seem to be demi or gray, which has made dating men even harder to deal with, but I am very rarely attracted to anyone outside of the male range so I just generically default to talking about bf's rather than other partner possibilities.

I have very little experience approaching dating from a non-sexual standpoint. By that I don't just mean sex early on in dating, I mean the flirtations many people rely on, which nobody seems to realize rely heavily on sexual attraction. I have also accumulated my fair share of bad experiences going along with other peoples interests. Pre and post transition. Low self-esteem issues mostly.

Finally feeling good about myself and my identity has stopped me from dating entirely. I don't feel lonely, but there is something missing in my life. Basically the past 2 years has been great for my mental health, but the romantic side of me is telling me to do something before I create a fictional bf to fantasize about. Not just the one off fancies. Running out of romance-esque games/stories I enjoy.

My greater frustration, besides the usual limitations to our dating pools, and my sexual orientation making me confused 24/7, is that I am non-visible disabled. All the symptoms I suffer have made my life focused around managing symptoms for an untreatable condition that most people think is fake because, besides an unnaturally pale complexion, "I look fine".

As an independent person, I don't want/need anyone to take care of me. I do a better job of managing my insane list of nuanced issues anyways. However, it is impossible for me to take care of someone else, which I have been told is a dealbreaker. Although I am cool with ENM, just go get a caretaker type.

Then there is dating apps; horrible. I angrily uninstall them for the scam structures very briefly after trying them. However, my health doesn't give me much freedom to meet people IRL. My condition gives me an alcohol intolerance that has gotten so bad that the last time I took a sip of a drink I spent the next 3 hours sick, and the chronic fatigue means I can't stay out in the evening. So, no bars or social night events. Which is apparently the only time of day acceptable for dating based on what people say/do and the times events get scheduled. I have been called crazy for trying to arrange things during the day, despite the people being informed about my health limitations.

ENM persons have their own sets of issues. Primarily the ones contacting me are just looking to experiment sexually with a soft-entry male because they are scared to be with cis-men and having an existing gf makes them feel safe, or they are trying to find a third to their relationship and they really don't understand how hard establishing two relationships at the same time is, especially when you don't develop sexual attraction until after you are emotionally attracted.

Last sexual interaction I had was with a cis male who kept saying >!he questioned whether he was actually gay anymore because the experience with transmen was so good!<. (Just in case). Got away from that asap. That was, hmmmm probably around 2 years ago. Who knows. I have no sense of time.

I get ghosted as much as the next guy, I don't develop any feelings for some who are interested in me as well. It isn't like my experience is unique, or that I don't have some "options", but anytime I try to vent to my friends because the odds feel extra stacked against me due to my health they get uncomfortable and it becomes a cis vs trans experience for them, or in the case of my bestie, they just shrug because in their words the asexual spectrum doesn't make sense to them so they don't know how to relate. The limitations my health places on me is really what I find destroys my spirit and options the most though. Everything limits the pool, smaller and smaller, but the health limits me.

Anyways I really truly believe that this year will be the year I succumb to my creative passions and design a fictional man. Maybe write a story, or draw him. Anything to get something out of my head. Who knows, but it seems a hell of a lot more enjoyable than dating people nowadays.

I am actually in a pretty good headspace in life, just wanted to be angry about my circumstances in relation to dating. That is my rant/vent, feel free to relate. That or give me some ideas for a fictional bf lol