u/MessedUp_Angel

living with schizoaffective is not easy. I've not been doing good lately. I've been struggling a lot, and I feel so bad for my boyfriend. he's been there when I've needed him, but I can't help thinking that I'm too much for him. he has his own battles with mental health, and I'm afraid that I trigger him or make him feel worse.

he's been there for me when I've needed him the most. he knows how to help me when I'm not doing well. he has gone through everything with me and still stayed.

lately, I've just had this huge thought that he shouldn't be with me. like I said before, I'm scared that I trigger him. I tried to break up with him for his own good, for his mental health. but he didn't go anywhere and said he wants to be there for me.

he always asks me how I'm doing. I know I can tell him exactly how I feel. but when I ask him the same question, he always just says he's good, and it's making me mad. I don't want to hear that. I wanna hear how he's actually doing. I don't want him protecting me from something. It wouldn't make me feel worse, honestly, the opposite. even if knowing would make me worry, somehow it would also make me feel relieved and like he trusts me.

worth mentioning is that we are doing long distance, and all we have right now is our words. I can't tell from his presence how he's doing. we do videochat, but it doesn't help much.

anyway, how do I handle these feelings? that I'm too much for him? that he shouldn't be with me? that I might trigger him? that I just hurt him with my actions? and like, how to handle the guilt of having a bad mental health in a relationship?

I used to take clozapine for 6 years, until 1.5 years ago when my doctor and I decided to stop it. after that, my life has been a huge mess. hospitalization after hospitalization, overdoses, voices, psychotic episodes, depression, hypomania, etc etc. now I'm in the psych hospital once again, and the doctor said he doesn't know what to do with me anymore, so we have to start clozapine again. he did say that it has to be my own decision.

I had time to think. my boyfriend and my mom both say that I should start it. I kinda think the same, but the voices don't like the idea. today I told a nurse that my decision is to start clozapine again. the doctor just came to tell me that we're starting clozapine tonight.

I'm a bit scared though. the weight gain scares me, the tiredness scares me, the drooling, the bloodwork, the heartache, I mean everything scares me. but I don't want to live like this anymore. this is not a life. I want my life back, and if clozapine is the answer, I think I have to go with it.

taking my meds has been difficult for me for a long time. it makes me gain weight, and that causes me a lot of anxiety. the voices tell me every night that I shouldn't take them. my boyfriend helps me with taking my meds, but it’s still hard. sometimes it becomes too overwhelming, and I just can’t do it anymore.

this time, when I stopped taking my meds, I became hypomanic, then crashed, and now I'm in the psych ward again.

we've been talking with my doctor about the injection. it might be easier since I wouldn't have to take medication every night. there's just one issue: I would need to be available every month to get the injection, and I've been planning to spend some time in another country with my boyfriend, so it's a bit complicated.

my boyfriend told me last night that I should bring up the injection option with my doctor again.

so now I want to ask: does anyone have positive experiences with injectable medication? and how can I manage the anxiety about feeling 'stuck' in one place because of the monthly injections?

I got diagnosed with unspecified schizoaffective disorder at the end of last year. last spring I had some symptoms of hypomania when I stopped taking one heavy antipsychotic. and I've been having psychotic sympoms and depressive episodes for almost as long as I can remember. like from early teenage years.

a couple of weeks ago I stopped taking olanzapine, cause the weight gain made me very anxious. in six months I've gained like over 20kgs. I'm also on some other antipsychotic, and I've been taking it still. I was also on some antidepressant.

lately, I've been sleeping like 3-4 hours a night, and I'm not tired at all. actually the way opposite. my mom, and psychologist told me I'm more talkative than usually. I've been also shopping a bit, and my current money situation isn't that good, since I'm on a sick leave, so I bought stuff on credit. my appetite has gone lower, I do eat, but I don't have the urge to eat. I also have some more sexual urges than usual. I've been in a very creative mood, I've been making a lot of music. I feel like my brain is full of ideas for new music. I've also spended a lot of time with my family, and with my boyfriend, who I'm in a long-distance relationship with, so we've been spending some time online.

yesterday I had an appointment with my psychologist, and she asked if I've been taking my meds, and told her I've been not taking my olanzapine dose. she said she has to talk with my doctor about it. my psychologist messaged me later, that the doctor said I have to quit the antidepressant now too. she said they hope quitting it would make me to sleep more and become a bit calmer.

I've been on different antidepressants for over ten years, and this is the first time I'll be living without them. I'm not really worried at all, I mean I feel good, but still some thoughts in the back of my head is telling me, that being without the antidepressant will be not a good thing. I've always had the antidepressant as a safety net, and now I don't. well, I kinda have a 'fuck antidepressants' mindset right now. but my mind is still doubting a bit. I've also been considering to stop taking the other antipsychotic too, since right now I don't feel psychotic. and I hate taking the meds anyway.

I haven't been in such a good mood for a long time, and this actually feels good. and the creativity, it does feel good. over all, I feel so good. and optimistic about everything, and life.

I don't know why I posted this, just wanted to share my thoughts.