TIFU by using my handheld bidet (shattaf) as an enema everyday for over a year, and then going on vacation.
Edit to clear some common questions and concerns up.
1 - I have a GI who is aware that I have to do this to poop.
2 - I’ve had several colonoscopies and an endoscopy
3 - fiber does nothing. I’ve been vegetarian and vegan for years at a time. Drink over a gallon of water a day + coffee and a soda at night. I’ve tried all kinds of fad diets for my GI issues, from carnivore to vegan to high fiber to basically just the BRAT diet, to elimination diets to allergy and celiac sensitive diets. None have done anything.
4 - stool softeners and laxitives, even prescription strength stuff, has never worked. It will cause cramps, but never produce a bowel movement. I rely heavily on fleet enemas due to this. The longest I went without shitting was 3 weeks while hospitalized and I had to have an enema there too. In fact, several, to clean me out.
5 - I have had constipation issues since I was a toddler. In fact I had difficultly potty training due to it, because I literally couldn’t poop without sitting and pushing for hours
A year ago I installed a handheld bidet in our bathroom. My entire life I have had bad constipation, but specifically during pregnancy and heavily relied on fleet enemas to help me go.
I installed the shataff and quickly realized I can use it as an enema if I relax my asshole and allow the jet stream of water to empty my lower intestines. This truly works great, I was pooping everyday, I always felt clean, I stopped grunting and pushing for hours.
This is true, still. What I did not know is that doing this everyday would result in my body becoming reliant on this method, and not know how to take a shit without it.
Jump to my vacation. I'm eating my favorite foods, not a care in the world, day 1 and day 2 go by and I haven't pooped. Thats fine, maybe tomorrow. Day 3 comes around and I'm feeling bloated and my stomach hurts. Fine, I'll just take it easy at dinner. and then day 4 comes.
Day 4 I was woken up by the familiar grumblings of "oh god I have to shit right now" and I ran to the bathroom. I prepared my phone with a good video, took my vape, handed the baby off to my husband and waited. And waited. And waited. I pushed and pushed and nothing, I mean nothing was coming out. I was in there a while and decided "okay, maybe later"
I pulled up my pants and went about my day.
Day 5 came. Poop did not. At this point my stomach was hurting so fucking bad. I must have tried 20 times to poop. It never arrived.
Finally, we jump to day 7, after 7 full days of not shitting, and a 9 hour road trip I make it upstairs to my beloved amazon bidet. I relax my asshole, position the shattaf, and spray.
What resulted was a baseball size turd flying out of my asshole at mach speed. I mean, I have seen missiles go slower. 0 warm up, 0 hesitation, just a huge, hard turd propelled by a torrential downpour of cold water shooting up my ass. Immediately I knew I fucked up. What followed was 45 minutes of golf ball sized turds slowly making their way out. I would spray and 2-3 would shoot out. My asshole hurt so bad from the first volley that each new shit nugget making its way out would wreck me more and more. My stomach grumbled as each spray dislodged more and more impacted shit from my innards.
And then came the diarrhea. I assume this is what liquified inside of me, almost fermenting, during Hell Week. Hot, frothy, terrible nd stinging as it shot out after finally the water had dislodged as much as it could. It took 3-4 flushes to fully clear the bowl.
What do I do now? I have no idea. Do I continue the cycle? Do I go through this until my stomach normalizes? I have truly not a clue. What I do know is that I weigh 12 lbs less than I did this morning.
TLDR: Used bidet as an enema, couldn't shit on vacation, came home and used my bidet, lost 12 lbs of pure shit weight in what I can describe as only the Devil's Marathon of shitting.