Jus wanna do music
Man, where do I even start? For the longest time, I’ve been trying everything in my power to be in a band or at least make musician friends to learn from the community. I usually perform at competitions, but lately, I’ve noticed that the musicians around me dislike me for some reason. It’s not like I’ve ever been rude to any of them; I’ve always just been a neutral person to be around.
The trouble really started when a fellow musician senior, who got rejected from the same event I was selected for told me "as a joke" that classical singers like me are "eating up" contemporary artists' jobs. Around that same time, the entire music community in my college started disliking me. Even people I’d never met before began giving me the cold shoulder. Now, I do agree that the classical choir dislikes me because I don't show up to practices as often as they require, but that's only because my schedule clashes with my secondary music institute classes.
Things got even worse recently with the guitarist of my former band, who is also a senior. She always used to lash out at me, but this time, I finally confronted her. I told her that the way she targets me is atrocious, like we're in a concentration camp, and pointed out that she never behaves like that with the other seniors. Of course, because they all knew each other before me, I was kicked out of the band.
Being out of that band doesn't bother me because I actually started my own, but the real issue is what comes next. God knows what the band members are saying behind my back, because now people across different universities are ignoring me. Even the people I once thought were my friends have started freezing me out since the incident.
After years of searching for people, I finally assembled my own band. We recently performed our first gig, which, to be honest, was not that good. We all promised to practice more beforehand so we wouldn't have to rush right before gigs, but the band has gone completely cold since then. I keep asking for frequent updates, but as always, the members are just not serious about anything I say. People keep leaving, mostly citing "personal reasons," but more than half of those who left were connected to my previous band members and lowkey quit right after finding out about my connection to them.
It is so incredibly difficult to find musicians that sometimes I really just want to throw everything in the bin and evaporate, honestly. I love music, I really do. I want to do so much with it and contribute to it, but I just don't know how to find like-minded people who won't trash my dreams with bullshit inner politics. I don’t even know how I got into this mess, and I don't know how to get over it.
To top it all off, I’ve had body image issues for the longest time because I’m well overweight. I feel like I just do not have what people call the “rockstar appeal” that most of the musicians around me do. I’m not stupid; I know looks play a big part, at least in a performer’s life. I just don't know how to unfuck my life right now