Tempted to participate in FUBU pero deep down parang ayaw ko
Idk, baka may mga interested magbasa neto and might get offended and see me stupid or what not but hey, this is just me lang on how i cope. Tsaka problema ko naman 'to
Lately I've been wanting to try FUBU kasi ang boring at stressful ng life ko lately, not to mention, I just got my doc diagnose me with severe depression and my ass was just there sitting and was like "BRO I HAD SEVERE DEPRESSION??". Working student athlete ako (which is fucking time consuming) kasi somehow eh, i have to find a way to support myself financially kahit kaunti lang, lalo na yung scholarship na galing sa pagiging athlete ko.
You might ask.. ano bang pinagkakastressan mo?:
• Dad cheating on mom
• Dad not supporting my college
• Sister physically abusing my mom
• Mom ranting on her problems (I'm tired listening to her)
• Family surrounded with loan sharks (million php na utang)
• Work (fastfood)
• Failing grades
• etc.
Pero here's the thing, time passed by at bumait ate at papa ko sa mama ko. Nakakasama ko na nang maayos ate ko. Yung papa ko unti unti nang sumusuporta. Yung mama ko nakakaginhawa na sa mga problems. Yung grades ko medyo bumabalik na... But it left a deep gaping hell of a freaking scar saakin sa mga panahong nasugatan ako sa mga sigawan, pagaawat ko sakanila, away, at financial threats noong hindi pa ok pamilya ko. Idk pero parang natanggal yung ability ko makipagconnect nang malalim sa mga tao LMAOOO lalo na pag babae (seryoso, putang ina. Shit changes when you have to confront a woman you cared for for years, only to see her beating the shit out of your mother at mumurahin ka after you get back home from college). Halos araw araw, yung isip ko lumulutang. The typical negative mindset at subconscious habit na iniiwasan ang mga kaibigan nang di naman sinasadya. I lost a little bit of confidence i had in meeting and getting to know people because of the amount of time i spent being alone with my own thoughts.
I still have close friends i can talk with ofc. Pero ewan ko kung yung potang inang libog ko lang to or what shit pero a part of myself feels na gustong makipagconnect at develop ng deep relationship with others ulit pero.. with sex? Casual sex?? Tf? It feels wrong kasi hindi ako yung tipong tao na gustong pumunta sa sitwasyon na fubu kasi baka maging manhid, disrespectful, and what not ako sa future partner ko (i-include mo yung risk ng HIV, AIDS, pregnancy, etc.). But then, it's the only method I know that could instantly make connections happen (or sadyang libog lang ng utak ko ito). I sound fucking stupid tsaka ayaw kong i-materialize mga babae. Maybe all I needed was someone to hear me out and help me gain that confidence again, hindi yung casual sex. Maybe I've been feeling lonely for so long to the point I'm starting to get uncomfortable with this loneliness i feel kaya my brain's telling me to go out there and touch some grass.