u/Miserable_Quantity28

I'm 18f, had a few talking stages (2) but never a real relationship, Most of the people I had talked to are miles away or rather they reside abroad js casual flirting nothing real. I want someone who will accompany me in everything, something real not just a short-term. I want to be with someone that will have future plans with me.

I met up once with one of my casual flirting lang, I was pretty much excited to get dolled up but then it dawned on me na it wasn't a date. Just a casual talk and flirt, but I still went anyway.

When will I ever find someone na I will get excited to get dolled up for ? Someone who also finds a long-term rs not casual flirting, someone who has plans. Some might say that I'm way too young to think like that but well I never play about my future.

I grew up in a very religious household, I'm from the Philippines so it was a norm to be religious but I'm very much an agnostic and never believed about anything that is related to catholicism or Christianity. At a very young age, I was taught that fingering/exploring your body/masturbating as a GIRL or even as a MAN was disgusting and prohibited. But of course, I was a young rebel and never followed the rules.

Years passed, I was about 8 years old when I was molested by a relative of mine and that very much grew on me over time. But I never mind it because I was always emotionally detached but being molested at a young age affected how I started masturbating at a very young age (10 years old). Up until now, I don't have any privacy at all, no way I'd have any alone time. I'd always have to wait til everyone was out of the house or asleep before I even started masturbating.

I'm frustrated, jealous and sad because I don't have my own privacy room, leading to me getting caught multiple times masturbating by my grandma (super embarrassing), she yelled at me by saying if I was crazy, and why would I do such a thing and it was considered a SIN. I was frustrated while crying trying to defend myself by saying that it was scientifically normal to masturbate. But well she wouldn't listen and even threatened to tell everyone what I've been up to, and obviously that enraged me but it was only a threat and not that she'd actually do it but still, I'm very angry and mostly sad.

Is it embarrassing to masturbate? As a female who had been caught in the middle masturbating MULTIPLE times. And still doing it. Is it embarrassing?

EDIT: Hai, thank you guys for the reassurance 💖 it really lifted up my spirits, I've been bottling up this for many years now. I'm so sick of been told that I'm a sinner bc I masturbate as a female. Earlier, my grandmother caught me in the middle of it again, it pushed me to make this small post to see if I'm not the only one masturbating as a female and started from a very young age. Masturbation was the only form of way for me to release my stress from academics bc I'm very pressured to maintain straight A's, also because even as a female I a have very high libido and I can't think straight if I don't even masturbate when I'm ovulating.