u/Mission_Storage1215

So, for years I've had memories that I can't decipher which are real and fake. I don't know if it was because I was sadly introduced and probably influenced by pornography from a young age since i always had unrestricted internet access. But I've had memories probably from when I was around 5-8/9 years old where I engaged in sexual acts with my older sister, multiple times. Distinct memories, that I've chosen to ignore so now I don't know if it was real or not, but I truly do believe I still remember the exact smell of yk what. And I have a great relationship with my older sister, she's only a few year older than me and nothing has ever happened since or even in conversation and when alone, we suppprt each other. Recently she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and depression and is on medication, which was always prevelant and my dad is undiagnosed but MOST likely autistic or on the spectrum. Our parents weren't abusive but more so not always there to look after us so we are never supervised and they are also extremely religious, so daily prayers and God being brought into everything was pretty normal for us. Me and my sister are not religious anymore though, for personal reasons.

I ask this because I wonder if due to this, I'm more sexual than I should be, or that by interacting with this content on unrestricted YouTube, and making me look at my own mother a certain way at night and touch areas when I used to share a bed with her, which is disgusting which is never brought up between us and slightly touch one of my old cats, I love cats and wouldn't never do that now.

I want to approach life normally but I'm also extremely insecure and I feel like I can't look at people normally, without looking at people's private areas and comparing it to mine.

I've also been told that I have similar traits that my father has, I'm not close to him and haven't lived with him in years and my parents aren't divorced. So I would like advice, thank you.

So, for years I've had memories that I can't decipher which are real and fake. I don't know if it was because I was sadly introduced and probably influenced by pornography from a young age since i always had unrestricted internet access. But I've had memories probably from when I was around 5-8/9 years old where I engaged in sexual acts with my older sister, multiple times. Distinct memories, that I've chosen to ignore so now I don't know if it was real or not, but I truly do believe I still remember the exact smell of yk what. And I have a great relationship with my older sister, she's only a few year older than me and nothing has ever happened since or even in conversation and when alone, we suppprt each other. Recently she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and depression and is on medication, which was always prevelant and my dad is undiagnosed but MOST likely autistic or on the spectrum. Our parents weren't abusive but more so not always there to look after us so we are never supervised and they are also extremely religious, so daily prayers and God being brought into everything was pretty normal for us. Me and my sister are not religious anymore though, for personal reasons.

I ask this because I wonder if due to this, I'm more sexual than I should be, or that by interacting with this content on unrestricted YouTube, and making me look at my own mother a certain way at night and touch areas when I used to share a bed with her, which is disgusting which is never brought up between us.

I want to approach life normally but I'm also extremely insecure and I feel like I can't look at people normally, without looking at people's private areas and comparing it to mine.

I've also been told that I have similar traits that my father has, I'm not close to him and haven't lived with him in years and my parents aren't divorced. So I would like advice, thank you.