I need intimacy but I don't deserve it.
Assalam wa alaykom.
Just wanted to vent.
After suffering from porn addiction, I messed up my life. I don't have a job, I don't know how to drive, I don't want to learn, I lack motivation and aspirations. I see people in reddit wanting to get married, they're looking for specific types of people. They provide success which puts me in a position where I have nothing to offer. I say to myself "what's the point?" Why bother getting married if it's going to be difficult?
I blame myself first because I was wasting a lot of time due to laziness. I'm 35 and I'm just an embarrassment. I wish I could work towards the hereafter so I can hope for Allah's mercy and get wives there. Because I lost hope in getting married in this life. Compared to others, and compared to you guys, I'm worthless.
Part of me wants to relapse so I don't have a desire to get married. Because I don't deserve a wife, I don't deserve intimacy, and I don't deserve to be a husband. I'm not a good person, never have, never will be. Porn has ruined me, even if I try to avoid it, I'm still stuck living with my family. I'm stuck in laziness, I'm stuck on stupid that no women would want to marry me. And rightfully so.
For those who are not married and are trying to overcome their addiction, may Allah grant you good spouses. As for me, I don't deserve to get married.