A Connecticut Paraeducator’s story.
I want to share my story because I don’t want to keep struggling in silence anymore. There is a different type of loneliness that I feel that makes me feel invisible and less than human.
This year has been one of the most challenging transitions of my life. At one point, I was living in my car. Eventually I was brave enough to ask for help, I found a room to rent, which gave me temporary relief but I couldn’t afford both a car and a place to live on a new paraeducators salary even while doing the afterschool program. I knew my living situation was temporary but still I tried to focus on the future I was building instead of the present that was failing. I lost my car which made transportation difficult, now I’m facing the possibility of losing that housing, too.
I’m trying to figure out my next steps while continuing to work and keep my life together, my mental health has always been a challenge because I have experienced a lot and had to adapt to that.
I’m a paraeducator in Connecticut. I chose this path because I love working with children and want to build a career in education. But the financial reality of this work is dimming my already struggling light. Even while working, it’s challenging to afford basic necessities and establish the kind of stability that would allow me to move forward. And my story is unique, I have overcome a lot of obstacles, shadow work, self confrontation, while navigating a monument of consequences from my 20s. I am carrying my world alone constantly with 0 margin for error and feeling like a failure.
I am moving forward in other ways. I earned my associate degree in Human Services, made the Dean’s List during the most difficult period of living in my car, and was accepted to Central Connecticut State University to pursue my bachelor’s degree in elementary education (Spring 2027). These are accomplishments I’m don’t have room to be proud of. When I got the notice last year I made the deans list, It was unexpected. I graduated and completed my associates degree through sheer willpower and survival, but because my life hasnt stabilized, I haven’t had time to recover, let alone celebrate my wins.
I want to continue my education, but I don’t have the financial or housing stability to support that next step in the way I need. I’m trying to build a future in a profession that requires further education while struggling to make my present sustainable.
Sometimes I question whether I can realistically afford to remain in education, even though teaching is something I genuinely want to do. I don’t want to have to choose between pursuing meaningful work, continuing my education, and having somewhere stable to live. But this is my life, theres always tradeoffs and something I cant afford to lose. I am willing to sacrifice everything for my degree but what more will my journey to self actualization cost me?
I know I’m not the only person experiencing financial hardship, and I’m not sharing this because I expect anyone to fix my circumstances. I’m sharing it because I think there are people working in our schools who are trying their best to build a future while quietly struggling to meet their own basic needs. I know this, many paraeducators in my district (Hartford) talk about how underpaid we are. I am committed to my assigned student but what is this path costing me? Can I continue to be a paraeducator on my path to becoming a teacher? I am very close to pursuing other options as the ground underneath my feet is breaking away again..
I wrote a poem today that captures some of the emotional weight of what I’ve been going through:
I pray they may never know a year in my body
or a day in my mind.
I pray for their blissful ignorance and gently weighted soul.
Through bitterness, my heart can still beat
and wish for other’s peace.
May they never know the skin I am in.
I hope they never face the mirrors I have,
and watch them crackling with shards spreading on their dark path.
May their feet only know the softness of grass.
I think this would be the perfect start to my next collection of poetry.
I’m sharing my story because I don’t want my struggles to remain invisible. I am existentially exhausted.
I’m trying to be proud of how far ive come not just on my educational journey but my own soul journey. I know who I am is revealing itself in layers, but Im tired of being carved by suffering and hardship. I want to know what it feels like to bloom.