Im struggling to accept and be okay that my partner had sex with others during a break
Context
My bf (27m) and I (25m) have had a very rocky and complex relationship, making 2 years in about 2 months. I won’t get into much detail, but when we both met, we unknowingly were both addicted to Xtina (big problem in the community btw let’s speak on it). We found out within a week of meeting, and as you can probably guess, we both felt like we didn’t have a secret we thought we’d have to hide from each other, and instead had something addictive to bond over.
I was told near the start of our relationship from my former SD who is a therapist with a specialization in couples and sex addiction, that a relationship that involves this addiction never works out . I thought I understood why he’d say that, based off my common sense. But almost two years later I realized he meant that in a completely different way
To make things as brief as possible, I just want to make one things clear. We had many issues. We bickered, accused, and all sorts of other toxic things neither people in a relationship should act or be acted towards. Yet with all of these issues, infidelity, atleast from my end, was never something we fought over. Our arguments were over mostly petty things intensified by the poison this substance kept feeding our trains of thoughts, but never over another person. Like hardly ever. Most I seen was entertainment towards others from him. Which most see as bounds of cheating. Although not wrong I was secure in myself knowing he knows better than that
Fast forward, the start of our 2026 was very rocky, and traumatic for me specifically. I’m not getting into specifics but I felt very betrayed and unloved by him. I was homeless around this time due to something that happened, and of course? I was still getting hi gh to cope and be able to endure it . It took me about two times to officially tell myself I quit within a month or two, until it took me getting help from nonprofits for housing to get sober. To enjoy my blessings and fruits of my labor sober minded . In other words, to enjoy life as me. Not an addict. The day I went through with it was 115 days ago, and I haven’t looked back since (: I feel happier, less secretive, and just a strong individual who made the decision to undo the dependency I had on this substance to make life bearable. Not so long after, he followed suit. And I’m extremely proud of him. If you’ve never had experience yourself as an addict or have had someone in your life with addiction as well, you probably could attest that these things are far from easy.
For Those Dealing w Addiction ❤️
Some people are blessed enough to get there sooner, so whoever is going through something similar, just know you’re not the first nor will you be the last, and as long as your faith isn’t fully compromised by the disease , things will get better in due time. Just take it a day at a time. Hell, take it an hour at a time, whatever works best for you. But every second, minute, hour, day, week, month and year that’s passed is a milestone . Down to the milliseconds. If you’ve ever been to an alcohol or narcotics anonymous meeting, you’d know that they have this notion that they’re addicts, in or out of addiction and I’m not a big fan of that POV. You’re human. Who suffered or is suffering a disease called addiction. I don’t like the idea of still labeling one an addict after years of sobriety, just bc there are lingering thoughts of using again. It comes off as being okay with being labeled something that ruined your life, and being okay with being apart of that percentage of people who make up addicts. In my personal opinion of course. Got side tracked just thought this would be important to add cause I know how bad addiction is in our community.
The Cut -Off
I digress. As I was saying…
Before my partner followed suit, I told him I didn’t want anything to do with him as long as he was still using. Told him we both need space as individuals to achieve sobriety, bc it should start as a personal journey first. Why? Cause we’d both be triggers for eachother if one was clean and the other wasn’t. You know ? I blocked out a lot of memories I could recollect during that time bc I tend to do that as a trauma response , but ultimately he betrayed and slandered and lied on my name online in reaction to my decision. Come to find out , that reaction happened bc of a relapse. Anyways, as any other person would do, I felt he went too far. I felt unloved. I felt things were no longer bent, but broke 100%. I felt like I wasn’t worthy of many things, and you know, it sucks to feel that way, especially in this particular context.
I blocked his number. Changed my number, which now I think about, he still doesn’t have bc I limited his contact to merely iMessage, where he could text me or FaceTime me but it’s received by my email. Blocked all socials. Went full no contact. Rightfully so. He’d email me but I wouldn’t reply . But you just don’t stop loving a person overnight.. so of course I would anticipate his emails, bc it made me feel like he was still there as much as my boundaries allowed him to…
Before I let him talk to me in person, I let many things off my chest which I hope he still takes into consideration. Mind you, this was my first time seeing him in over 60 days, so I was a bit nervous.
Only reason I let him was bc he owned up to a lie that pretty much was weighing heavily on us at the time, and when he told me the truth, I saw some change right then and there
He would’ve took that lie to the grave in the past
Rekindling
So we spoke and he cried . Genuinely hurt. I would feel the regret I felt he lacked. The resentment I felt he lacked. The remorse I felt he lacked. The reality of his truths I felt he would never let himself face. I’ve been with this man for a while, so I know when he fake cries, real cries. But this time it was different. The way he cried, I’ve cried the same way before . So I knew exactly what he could’ve been feeling but I know the most painful and dominant feeling he did feel was not self hatred, but just realizing the pain you’ve caused to people you wish you could take back. But you can’t; he felt remorse and regret.
I cried. One, I hate to see my partner sad it makes me sad. Two, I’m emotional. And three because I saw growth and an attempt to actually make us work. Cause at this point we were both sober. But the thing that I couldn’t just brush off what he did to me when he relapsed it hurt me. Yet, I love him still. And we’re still working on things and we spent the weekend together.
I loved it. It was a dream. The spark that was there in the beginning was back. We weren’t tweaking. We spoke respectfully to each other. We laughed. Cuddled pretty much the whole time, and just showing each other how our love looks when it isn’t tainted by addiction. It’s beautiful. Knowing what we’ve gone thru to even get to that level of peace and serenity, it brings me so much peace and relief to know our love for each other wasn’t a product of our addiction
We were two damaged souls who have had a twisted view on love, due to our similar upbringing . How to love, what is love, and what isn’t love. I still don’t have a solid personal definition of love , but I do know that what I feel for my bubba is unconditional love
This is where I’m conflicted tho.
Conflict
I found out he hooked up w someone while on break, which I got over. Bc it was a while ago and I mean we were on a break? But yesterday , he was putting photos in his photo album from his Polaroid camera I gifted him for his bday, and our Photo Booth pics we took at a baby shower.
I see a page however, of a Polaroid picture of some guy I’ve never seen before. I’m guessing they were on a date. At a restaurant that looked fancy. We went to red lobster the other day and he didn’t take a photo of me like that so I felt like I wasn’t as important. So I asked him about it and he kept saying it was no one. Which I already knew was bs bc he was trying to not get me to see the photo .
I really didn’t care after like the third time asking. I just went quiet and was very sad. And hurt. He told me he would cut those photos up (which I believed he only had one) and I said I don’t care if you do or don’t it doesn’t change the fact he was still in that album, you didn’t forget about that page bc you passed it when adding your photos, and if I hadn’t said anything, he’d still be in there. And he literally put photos of us on the very page behind . He then cuts them up and I hear multiple photos being cut, which made my heart drop bc why is there more one .
He then went to target so I looked in the trash to see the photos. I seen they went to the movies together, to eat, like he was giving him the date I probably have failed as a boyfriend to give first, and it hurt more knowing this isn’t the only person during that break
Am I overreacting? That guy seemed to be important enough to him to still be in the photo album. He called him a rebound. Which did not help bc now I feel if something happened between us, he has his rebound… /: and I’ve never been insecure in these type of situations, but I am rn I don’t like it. It’s humbling and not in deserved way . I feel he looks better than I do, he’s probably nicer and yaps less than I do (you think this is information overload, have a convo w me in person), and they went on dates. Which we hardly did ): Which is partly due to me being a homebody.
I know it isn’t cheating bc I set my boundaries, but I still held it down for him. Dumb of me to expect the same from him bc he wasn’t obligated to. I didn’t feel the urge to do anything w another guy to get over him. At all. I just feel like I don’t know what he’s been doing while apart or who he’s been with or if he’s texting him still . And I know a lot of this is rooted in jealousy but idc I’m jealous . I forgave him. And I do. But it’s being okay with it not knowing the full story if that make sense
But like is it still wrong of me to feel these emotions ?? I don’t want to feel like I made the wrong choice. I love him. I love how much he’s shown he’s changed. I love himmmmm. But after seeing the photo I’ve been confused
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TL;DR:
My boyfriend and I, both former addicts, have had a rocky 2-year relationship. Ive been sober for 115 days, went no contact after he embarrassed and slandered me online. He is currently sober like me, had shown genuine remorse, and we recently reconciled with a great sober weekend, and the love I felt in the beginning seemed to come boomerang back
Yesterday I peeped Polaroids of him on multiple dates (dinner, movies) with another guy during our break. He called it a rebound and cut them off. I’m now deeply insecure, jealous, and hurt — especially since I stayed loyal and know this isn’t the only guy make my stomach turn, literally
Are these feelings an overreaction, or valid? I love him and see real growth, but I’m confused. I don’t want to make him feel guilty for trying to move on but I need advice