u/More-Cartoonist-3887

I defended my PhD last year and recently applied for a postdoc grant. The process took a long time, but the proposal was finally approved. I should be happy, right? And part of me is. But what really got to me was the evaluation of my CV and academic record.

I won’t go into details about number of papers, awards, etc., but I dedicated myself intensely during my PhD. I published, received awards, had a successful defense, and honestly gave everything I had. Still, my overall evaluation was basically just “good.”

I’m not upset because there are people better than me, or because I didn’t get a perfect score. What hurts is realizing that ever since I entered academia, I’ve been living entirely for this. I don’t have children, I don’t have another source of income, and for years I survived on a very low scholarship, living with the bare minimum while working constantly.

I truly gave my best to this career, and apparently my best is still only considered “good.”

Lately I’ve been wanting to slow down and focus more on other aspects of my life. But at the same time, I feel that if I want any chance at a stable academic career, I need to push even harder. The problem is: I honestly don’t think I can anymore.

I’m physically and mentally exhausted, and deeply frustrated. It feels like no matter how much you dedicate yourself to academia, it’s never enough.

I couldn’t even celebrate getting the grant because all I can think is that people expect more from me than what I’m currently able to give, and I’m afraid I have nothing left.

I spent almost 9 years in the same lab (Master’s, PhD, and postdoc), and my relationship with my advisor was difficult from the very beginning. To give some context, he didn’t even want to accept me into the lab at first. I had to move cities, start working there without a scholarship or formal position, and support myself with my own resources just to get a chance. Even after that, the beginning was very harsh. I heard comments like “go put your bag away, this is not a shopping mall” or questions like “did you actually run this experiment yourself or did your co-advisor do it for you?”. It was a very tough environment, and I had to completely reinvent myself to keep going. Over time, I managed to build my own research line, which was different from what the lab was doing at the time. It ended up having a strong impact. I published several first-author papers, not because I had close supervision, but because I had to learn how to do almost everything on my own. I also wrote a research project during my PhD based on this line, which later generated two grants for the lab. One of them funded a postdoc abroad for me.

Today, the research line I developed has basically become the main focus of the lab. At the same time, there were always ongoing issues. He told me I couldn’t work on certain topics outside his lab because they “belonged to the lab.” When I started applying for opportunities outside his lab, things became even more tense. He insisted that I should stay and even said I shouldn’t continue my research line elsewhere. Despite all of this, I moved forward, finished my postdoc, and recently secured a new position abroad entirely on my own initiative. He was not involved in the process at all, and I didn’t even ask him for a recommendation letter. Still, he refers to these achievements as “our achievements.”

What’s been most exhausting now is that even though I no longer have any formal connection to the lab, he continues to contact me frequently. He calls outside of working hours, invites and pressures me to attend lab meetings and events, asks me to help other students with their papers, and says he “needs to stay in touch with me for various reasons.” I’ve been trying to respond politely but more briefly and with distance, because honestly I feel drained after years in this dynamic. I just want to close this chapter and move on. At the same time, I sometimes feel guilty, like I’m being too distant or unfair, even though I know rationally that I don’t have any obligation anymore.

Has anyone experienced something like this? Is it common for advisors to struggle with letting former students go? How did you set boundaries without turning it into a bigger conflict?

Any advice or shared experiences would really help.