I don't know what to do...
I made this account just to post this, so please don't judge me. I'm genuinely looking for honest opinions and maybe some perspective on what happened.
Around 7–8 years ago, I met a girl. We only talked for a short time, but I really liked her. She was still in high school, yet she was incredibly mature and smart for her age. At one point she told me she was too young, wanted to focus on school and her future, and because of how we were both raised, she thought it was better if we stopped talking.
I respected that. I never tried to convince her otherwise because, honestly, I agreed with her.
The thing is... I couldn't stop caring about her.
I didn't want to interfere with her life, but I always wanted to know if she was okay. One of my relatives knew her, and eventually I also got to know one of her friends. Every once in a while I'd ask how she was doing. Her friend promised she'd never tell her I was asking... and she kept that promise for years.
A few years later, when she started university, I thought maybe the timing was finally right. I found out which university she was attending and where I might run into her.
The funny part is the day I finally saw her was literally the last day before COVID shut everything down.
She saw me, looked completely shocked... and honestly, angry too. She knew I had absolutely no reason to be at that university, let alone that specific building.
That night I messaged her. She ignored it at first, but then, out of nowhere, she replied.
Later I found out why. Her friend had told her that I'd been asking about her over the years. I think that's what made her decide to give me another chance.
That's when things started getting complicated.
We got back together, and for a while things were actually good. I was already financially stable and planning to make things official pretty quickly. Yes, there's an age gap between us. Please don't make that the focus of the post.
The first big problem was my mom.I introduced them because I genuinely wanted this relationship to lead to marriage. My mom wasn't rude to her, but she definitely didn't like her. She tried to hide it, but my girlfriend picked up on it immediately.
And honestly... she wasn't wrong.The reasons were exactly what you'd expect from older generations.
My family cared way too much about appearances and social status. Her parents were divorced. Financially and socially our families were worlds apart. I was a doctor, she wasn't. Even little things, like the fact that she was tiny, cute, and short, somehow became a problem. It honestly felt like my mom wanted me to marry a supermodel instead of someone who made me happy.
None of that mattered to me.
Unfortunately, it mattered to my ex because she knew it mattered to my family.
The second issue was my future.I wanted to continue my surgical training abroad and eventually settle there. That was actually her dream too... until reality hit. She became emotional about leaving her mom behind, and I completely understood why.
There was also something personal about me that she struggled with accepting. I won't get into that here, but it definitely played a role.
Eventually we stopped talking for a while.
Then something happened that honestly made me admire her even more. She basically said, "Let's both compromise a little. You do your best, I'll do mine, and we'll figure things out together."
That meant everything to me.
So we tried again.
Fast forward to when she was about to graduate. I brought up marriage again.
Instead of being excited... she looked terrified.
She said she was still young, had never worked before, and wasn't ready. I told her she could continue studying, work, do whatever she wanted I wasn't trying to stop her from living her life.But then she started listing every reason why marrying me would probably end badly.
She talked about her dad, how he treated her mom, how he made promises he never kept, and how he seemed like the perfect man in the beginning before everything fell apart.Then she brought up my mom. Then every flaw I had, Even the things I was actively trying to change for her.
It felt like no matter what I said, she'd already convinced herself that our future would end the same way her parents' marriage did.
I got angry.... like really angry,I said things I wish I could take back,That phone call ended our relationship.
We haven't spoken since.
Now here's the part that's been eating me alive.
Today, I'm engaged.
Ironically, I'm engaged to one of my relatives on my mom's side. She's exactly the kind of woman my mom always wanted me to marry. And don't get me wrong she's genuinely a good person. She's kind, respectful, beautiful, caring... honestly, she's wife material. She hasn't done a single thing wrong.
The problem isn't her.
It's me.
I've always treated her with respect. I'm calm with her, I spoil her, I try to make her happy... but none of it feels real. It feels like I'm playing the role of a good fiancé because that's what I'm supposed to do. Not because it's coming from my heart.
Our wedding is in 60 days. And somehow... I'm still thinking about my ex. Last week I hugged my fiancée... and accidentally called her by my ex's name....Twice.
The worst part is that my ex has a very unique name. It's not the kind of name you accidentally mix up with someone else's. Somehow I managed to play it off, but inside I felt sick.
I catch myself searching for my ex on every platform I can think of. Eventually I found her Instagram. She only has half of her face in her profile picture.Seeing that hit me way harder than it should have.
For a moment I felt like a kid again. All I could think was... I just want to be with her. But I can't do anything.I'm engaged.
And I don't even know if she'd ever want anything to do with me again. I don't know if she forgave me for how I acted during our last conversation. Looking back now, I realize I didn't understand what she was trying to tell me. Instead of listening, I got defensive and angry.
I even did something I'm ashamed of. One of my relative is still friends with her, so I asked her to casually mention that I'm getting married, just to see how she'd react. I wanted to know if she was seeing someone, if she was happy... I don't even know what I was hoping for. Apparently, she didn't react at all. She simply said she's still single. She's working.She's doing well. And that was it.
Meanwhile, I'm sitting here feeling like I've made the biggest mistake of my life.I keep thinking about everything I put both of us through. Every promise. Every argument. Every decision. Every "what if."
It feels like something is suffocating me.
A few days ago, I cried in front of my mom for the first time in my life.
I told her she was one of the reasons I ended up here.I know it's not entirely her fault. I made my own choices too. But I'm not happy.I feel trapped. I feel weak.
Some days it honestly feels like I don't know how to keep carrying all of this.
I don't know if I'm grieving someone I lost, grieving the life I imagined, or just terrified that I'm about to marry someone while my heart is still somewhere else.
I know that's unfair to my fiancée.She deserves someone who's completely sure about her.
And right now... I don't know if that person is me.