Should I marry my boyfriend or am I ignoring red flags? I genuinely need outside opinions.
I’m 27F and my boyfriend is 28M. We’ve been together since late 2024 and our families have met. We’re planning to get married in March, but the closer it gets, the more anxious I become. I keep going back and forth between thinking I’m overthinking and wondering if I’m ignoring things that will become much bigger after marriage.
For context, we’re Muslim, so marriage is a big commitment for us. We both want to do things the right way, but I’m finding it difficult to tell whether my concerns are normal pre-marriage nerves or signs that we’re fundamentally incompatible.
One of my biggest worries is finances. Because my parents aren’t able to contribute much, I’m paying for a lot myself. I’ll be hosting my own mehndi, paying for half of the wedding day, and buying his wedding outfits and gifts. His family are paying for their half of the wedding and my bridal outfit.
He’s also paying for my engagement ring before the wedding, the honeymoon, and a diamond ring after the wedding.
Recently I mentioned that I’d love to have a small engagement celebration before the wedding. He wasn’t against the idea, but he said that before he lost his job he’d been planning a solo trip to Thailand, and now that he’s working again he’d really like to finally go in December. I completely understand wanting to do something he’d been looking forward to, but I couldn’t help feeling disappointed. Part of me wished his priority would naturally be putting that money towards our future together instead.
More recently, we had another conversation about it. I suggested that instead of going to Thailand this December, maybe he could postpone it until next December. My thinking was that we’re getting married in March, we’re trying to do a relatively small wedding, and right now it would make more sense for both of us to save as much as we can.
Originally, we were actually planning to go to Thailand together for our honeymoon. He started looking at flights and realised they were quite expensive. I pointed out that if he was planning to go there in December anyway, maybe it didn’t make sense for us to spend honeymoon money going back to the same place a few months later. I suggested choosing somewhere that fit our budget instead. He mentioned Tunisia. It wasn’t somewhere I’d imagined for our honeymoon, but I thought, “At this point I don’t really mind. I’m sure we’ll have better holidays together in the future.”
Our plan after getting married is to live with his grandma for around two years while we save for a house, so I know we’re both trying to think long term financially.
After our conversation, I felt like he understood where I was coming from regarding Thailand. But today he said he was still thinking about booking it anyway, and that brought all those feelings back. It made me wonder whether we’re actually on the same page when it comes to priorities.
To give his side, he feels like everything has happened quite quickly. We’ve been together since 2024, but because the job market was so bad he only started working again in May after being unemployed for a while. He says he feels like everything has been rushed since then and that he hasn’t really had time to settle into work, enjoy having an income again or do the trip he’d always planned before moving into married life. He has also said he’s scared of losing me if we don’t get married soon.
I do want to acknowledge that he has genuinely improved in a lot of ways throughout our relationship. He’s become more mature, more communicative and has put effort into things I’ve raised before. So it’s not that I feel like he’s a bad partner.
At the same time, from my perspective, I don’t feel comfortable staying in a relationship for another year while we wait for him to become more financially stable, go on a solo holiday and then decide to settle down. As Muslims, I don’t want to continue committing zina while waiting for the “perfect” time to get married. I’d rather we build our life together, even if that means making some sacrifices now.
Another issue is that I often feel like I’m the one pushing everything forward. I’m usually the one bringing up wedding planning, timelines, finances and practical things. I don’t really feel pursued or spoiled. Sometimes I wish he’d just take initiative without me asking.
To be fair to him, he has admitted that work has been stressful, that he’s felt overwhelmed, and that he knows he hasn’t been giving me enough time recently. He apologised and said he’ll try to do better. He’s also said that getting closer to marriage has made him anxious too.
The confusing part is that he’s genuinely kind in many ways. We rarely have major arguments, he says he loves me, our families have met, and he’s committed to marrying me. So it’s not like he’s refusing commitment.
But I keep asking myself:
Am I marrying someone who will eventually become the provider and partner I need?
Or am I marrying someone hoping they’ll change?
Are we simply different when it comes to money and priorities?
Are my expectations unreasonable, or are his priorities different from mine?
I don’t expect luxury or perfection. I just want to feel like my future husband naturally wants to make me feel valued, protected and prioritised.
If you were in my position:
Would these concerns be enough to delay or reconsider marriage?
Are these normal financial stresses before a wedding?
Does it sound like we’re simply under pressure, or do you think there are genuine compatibility issues?
I’d really appreciate honest opinions, even if you disagree with me. Please be kind, but don’t sugarcoat it—I genuinely want different perspectives.
I think this version is the fairest representation of both of you. It explains why he’s feeling rushed without dismissing why you’re feeling uneasy, which is more likely to lead to useful advice rather than people assuming either of you is completely in the wrong.